Frankly Speaking With Arnab : Ranbir Kapoor




Arnab Goswami : Good evening to our viewers. Today we have with us, In this exclusive interview brought out by your news channel and your news reporter and your newsreader on your tv in your house through one of the best satellite networks in this country, Times Now, a person who has in the past few weeks gone from being a widely adored youth icon to a condemned useless stand up comedian who is believed to have caused a huge fall in the IPL TRP's, Ranbir Kapoor. 

Ranbir Kapoor : (rehearsing notes) Thank you Mr.Goswami. Its my pleasure to be...........

Arnab Goswami : (interrupting) Mr.Ranbir Kapoor, please do tell our viewers how you feel when people don't laugh at your jokes.

Ranbir Kapoor: It feels sick. Its been a childhood disorder for me. 


Arnab Goswami : Does that mean you have never been able to tell good jokes ?

Ranbir Kapoor : Yeah. I haven't been able to. People never laugh at my jokes. Even if I do comedy films. I visited all great comedians - Amar Singh, included -  to teach me how to do comedy. But it didn't have any impact on me.

Arnab Goswami: Mr. Kapoor, (in a low voice full of earnest sincerity) tell me frankly now (dropping the voice even lower for an added dramatic effect), why did Deepika Padukone leave you ? Was it because of this very same tendency that you have told us about now ? Did she leave you because of your awful sense of humour ?

Ranbir Kapoor: Er... Dunno...

Arnab Goswami: Tonight on this show, Mr.Ranbir Kapoor, would you like to confess that Deepika left you for Siddarth Mallya because Sid could make her laugh once in a while?

Ranbir Kapoor: No.

Arnab Goswami: Now that you have confessed about what went wrong......

Ranbir Kapoor : Er... I said no !

Arnab Goswami:  Please do not interrupt me Mr,Kapoor ! As I was saying, Now that you have confessed about what went wrong, what would you like to tell Deepika if she is watching us on "Frankly Speaking with Arnab" on your channel, Times Now, in this exclusive interview ?



Ranbir Kapoor: You left me and so.... I removed you from my Docomo family plan. Saavu Po!

Arnab Goswami: Now that is indeed threatening Mr.Kapoor. Which brings us to the next segment of this interview. Your Docomo ads have caused death of thousands of frogs across the country. How do you feel about it sir ? 

Ranbir Kapoor: I have nothing against frogs. In fact I was myself a frog before I became human!


Arnab Goswami: Mr.Kapoor, (dropping voice low again), you are telling me that you are a frog at one point in your life ? How did you become human then ?


Ranbir Kapoor: Haven't you ever heard of that frog who became the prince after kissing the princess ? That story was based on my life. Almost a biography. Its a famous fairy tale dude. Go read some books. 

Arnab Goswami : Mr.Kapoor, what would you like to tell, when people call you a mass murdering maniac and compare you to Hitler ? 

Ranbir Kapoor : Hitler is not a mass murdering maniac. Neither am I. She is a hotel heiress, a rich girl who often gets drunk and laid, but the similarity ends there. 

Arnab Goswami : Sigh. Thats Paris 'Hilton', Mr.Kapoor, not Hitler. I'm referring to Hitler, Adolf Hitler.

Ranbir Kapoor: (laughing) Dude, Hitler and Hilton sound so similar. (seriously) Anyway, who the fuck is that Hitler guy ?

Arnab Goswami: (Astounded, but quickly recovering) Mr.Kapoor, the BCCI has in a recent statement blamed you for the fall in IPL TRP's. What is your take on that ?

Ranbir Kapoor: Seriously ? That bunch of crap eating, cash swallowing, over weight, under worked, mud wallowing hippopotamuses said that ??? Screw them. That drunkard bastard Vijay Mallya must've paid them to say that. Just to get me further away from their latest family investment, Deepika. They are deliberately........


Arnab Goswami: (interrupting) Sir, you just created a new record for the longest ever reply to Arnab Goswami, the exclusive newsreading interviewer, so I'm afraid I have had to cut you across.Now according to you, the Mallya's are conspiring against you. First they took away Deepika, now the BCCI is blaming you for the IPL failure this time. Why do you think they are doing this ??

Ranbir Kapoor: No Idea....

Arnab Goswami: Oh My God, Ranbir !! What have you done !! 


(From nowhere, a voice suddenly breaks) GET IDEA 3G ....... !!! (and from the heavens, drops Abhishek Bachchan) 





Ranbir Kapoor: Oh fuck !!! Who Let the Dogs out ?!?!

Abhishek Bachchan: .........       1.....       2......        3......















Ranbir Kapoor: 3 Abhishek Bachchans ?? Doomsday is here !!!

Arnab Goswami : (in exasperated tones) Due to certain environmental difficulties, your channel has been forced to prematurely conclude this totally exclusive edition of "Frankly Speaking with Arnab" with Ranbir Kapoor on Times Now tonight at 8 pm. To watch the full interview, tune in to Times Now later. For continuous and live and exclusive and comprehensive and accurate and "we-brought-it-first-to-you" coverage of the day's top stories, continue watching Times Now.  Till then, its Goodbye and Good Night from us !! 

Making Higher Education work in India

As has become customary, Jairam Ramesh has once again been caught talking too much. For a long time now, he has been proving to be a Shashi Tharoor in the making, and if he still hasn't been asked to go, it is certainly because the "Congress High Command" is showing an unprecedented amount of restraint on its part.

The Indian Institutes of Technology and the Indian Institutes of Management have for a long time captured the imagination of Indians. Indians are people who hold education in highest regard. No man in this country earns more respect than one who is educated. And however towering a man's achievements may make him, the absence of formal education will make people look down upon him as an incomplete human. And in a country so obsessed with good quality education,  the IIT's and the IIM's are treated as nothing less than the abode of the Almighty himself. Both these institutions are the pinnacle of any Indian's glory - at least until he starts working. Any person who says that these institutions have not contributed enough to the country certainly deserves to be hung upside down and lashed on his butt in the cruelest possible  fashion, tried for treason and packed off to Antartica, doomed to spend the rest of his life freezing in the ice. But what if the man who says it is himself from an IIT ?

Jairam Ramesh, an IIT - Bombay graduate in Mechanical Engineering, who went on to do a double MS at Carnegie Mellon and at Masachussets Institute of Technology, feels that IIT's and IIM's are not doing anything that significantly breaks new grounds - neither in management, nor in technology.  And for the umpteenth time in the last 2 years since he became a part of the Cabinet of Ministers, I have no second thoughts in saying that it is such people that our Government, our parliament in particular and our country, in general, needs.

Make no mistakes, I have nothing against the IIT, least of all the fact that I am a failed IIT aspirant. No, I still feel IIT is the best institution you can get your degree from in this country (same goes for IIM), but at the same time, I cannot fool myself into thinking that IIT is India's MIT nor that IITians are at the forefront of Indian technological brains, doing the most advanced technical stuff, doing things that are going to change the lives of common people of this country. IIT has always been ranked poorly in international ratings when compared to other world class institutions, and to rub salt on our wounds, every year, the media is always prompt to point out that India has not produced a Nobel Laureate in Science since Sir C.V.Raman. Of course there are Dr.Chandrashekar and more recently, Dr.Venkataraman, who have an Indian name, but they were both American citizens and like Shashi Tharoor says, the Nobel Laureate with an Indian Passport still eludes us.

We, as a people, are very easily offended, and the inferiority complex is something that's been built into our system in the 200 years of British Rule. To be told that a nation of a billion people cannot have one Nobel laureate or an internationally acclaimed institution capable of producing one, is often painful for most educated Indians to take. It especially hurts when an Indian says that. So when Mr.Jairam Ramesh actually points out the facts and calls a spade a spade, we are hesitant to take his point. We still want to continue believing that IIT's and IIM's are world class institutions capable of producing the world's best scientists, and make a significant contribution to the global progress in science. My point is, Is it really that important ?

India is at an important phase in its history. We are 1.2 billion people. We are developing, growing and we are on it real real fast. India grew at 8% in the height of a global meltdown, if you can appreciate economic figures. Under such circumstances, India's focus should be on employing every single employable person in this country. India's focus must be on providing every single organisation that can create wealth, with an abundance of labour and man power. India's focus must be on giving companies the 4 lakh engineers they need every year to prosper. In the sight of such large ambitions, the aim to get India Nobel Laureates is too small and insignificant.

India first needs to set right its basic fundamental education system. A lot many people will say that even the schooling system is flawed, but on the contrary, I believe that the schooling system across the country, in all its non-uniformity and lack of patronage in some parts, is the best in this particular situation. Across the country, every single child passing the higher secondary examination, has more or less the same amount of knowledge, surprising for such a diverse range of syllabi and boards. The bigger problem comes in Higher education and more particularly in engineering.

To start from the most basic issue, I feel, at four years, an engineering course is too long. The biggest recruiters in the country have time and again proved that all the skills and knowledge required to do a job in are the ones the employees get in their 6-month training period in the company. This conforms to what an average engineer experiences. I mean, no engineer, with no practical training, can claim to be knowledgeable of his work in a company. In  such a scenario, it would be wise to reduce the length of the course to 2 years, where just the bare essentials of the core engineering discipline are taught to the students and then a more comprehensive 1 year practical training programme is offered by their employing company. This makes sense because that way, engineers are produced in 3 years instead of 4, the cost of education comes down, students become more proficient in practical jobs, and companies can mould the engineers as they like, creating a huge number of employable youth for the country.

Over 20-30 years, a lot of these employed youth will grow rich and prosperous, either in India or elsewhere in the World. They will then be able to create employment and generate wealth through entrepreneurship, which is a natural progression for any successful technician. That will in turn promote a quicker dispersion of education, better facilities, and greater awareness. At that point of time, competition will prompt greater investment into research and development and the interest in the area will slowly develop into a culture. That culture will ultimately mature to produce a vibrant research community. It is then that winning Nobel Prizes will be a dream lot more realistic.

India's test over the next decade or so, will not be in how many Nobel prizes they win, but in how they are able to create employment and create a skilled workforce to fill that space. And in the merit of this aspiration, it is not really important that the IIT's and the IIM's have to do something that brings us glory. Glory can wait, we have to lay the foundations first. Ultimately, before we can dream of IIT's being the modern Takshashila and Nalanda, we need to invest in  the students of today. And until a mechanism is developed for that to be done, it is not very useful complaining about people who criticise the IIT's or any other institution in this country. 

BCCI blames Ranbir Kapoor for low IPL viewership

(This exclusive report is a part of the 3-post exclusive series on the impact of Ranbir Kapoor's Docomo ad's on nature and humanity at large! Remember, Rohit Subramanian is bringing this to your first. Before all national dailies, before all news networks, why, even before that white hair mandayan, Julian Paul Assange! ) 

The BCCI issued a statement on Monday evening slamming the TATA Docomo series of ad's with Ranbir Kapoor , calling it a "disgrace" to the body of intelligent ad-film making and squarely blaming it for the abysmally low IPL ratings this season.




While answering the exclusive question asked by the exclusive reporter of India's largest network, BCCI President Shashank Manohar said "This Ranbir Kapoor fellow is totally useless. First, he realised he couldn't make good movies. Then he learnt that he couldn't get the hot chicks. And now, he is screwing up Docomo and IPL also! Watta loser!!"

A visibly annoyed Shashank Manohar went on to say, "He and these Docomo ad's are a disgrace to the body of good ad making. The BCCI thought that the worst of ad making was over with that Idea "Keep Cricket Clean" series with Arjuna Ranatunga and that irritating girl losing network each time. But then this is setting new records."

When asked if these ad's can be held responsible for the falling TRP of the IPL, Mr Manohar said, "Well of course it is because of these ad's! People are scared to switch on the television and see the match these days, scared that they will see Ranbir Kapoor doing his stand-up comedy." When asked what the BCCI was trying to do to counter the effect of Ranbir Kapoor, he said, "Well, seeing that a majority of the cricket viewers are guys, we tried bringing in some hot chicks like Archana Vijaya and Shibani Dandekar, but then viewers started finding them so much more irritating that the TRP's slipped even further."




As the BCCI seems to be considering desperate measures to boost the IPL ratings, your reporter asked Mr.Manohar exclusively, if he was indeed acting in a Bollywood film, as rumours in the past few weeks have suggested. He replied in the affirmative, saying, "Yes, Indeed. We were planning to run the trailers during the IPL finals, like SRK did for Ra.One during the World Cup finals. We certainly hope that will help matters for the IPL ratings." When pressed for further details, he told us, "The film is called Shashank Redemption, and though the title features my name, it will showcase how Lalit Modi escaped jail and how I helped him do it. The film is still under production, and we shall make a formal announcement soon."



On a question about his friendship with Lalit Modi after the IPL 3 fiasco, he said on condition of anonymity,"Well, we cant afford to be enemies with Lalit Modi. No one in the BCCI can. The bloody prick knows everything about what we did. So, its necessary we keep him happy. Its live and let live, basically." Since he didn't want his name to be told, we haven't mentioned his name in this paragraph.

Your network also got to ask some relevant celebrities what they feel about Ranbir Kapoor's Docomo ad's and about the latest to-be sensation - Shashank Redemption.

"My Son committed suicide by drinking Coca-Cola. Ranbir Kapoor is trying to exterminate our race! He must be stopped!"


- Frog artiste, Super Star Crazy Frog




"No one messes with me. 
He wanted to compete against me ?
Dickhead. Made a big fool of himself. "  


- Vodafone 3G Zoozoo, Superhero of the Telecom ad-space.



"Biggest threat to the animal kingdom since that big meteor explosion 65 million years ago. Frogs, lions, he seems to be behind all of them! "


- Animal Rights activist, Maneka Gandhi.






"Shashank Manohar did have a chat with me on how to go about the role. I gave him a few pieces of advice."


- Morgan Freeman, whose role will be reprised by Shashank Manohar in "The Shashank Redemption"










The Shashank Redemption, Courtesy:http://www.rakeshjhunjhunwala.in/2010/05/iplgate-2010-videogame.html  Highly Recommended Read 



Frogs Commit Mass Suicide

(This exclusive report is a part of the 3-post exclusive series on the impact of Ranbir Kapoor's Docomo ad's on nature and humanity at large! Remember, Rohit Subramanian is bringing this to your first. Before all national dailies, before all news networks, why, even before that white hair mandayan, Julian Paul Assange! ) 


The hugely intriguing mystery of the death of thousands of frogs in the recent weeks has finally been solved, with investigators attributing it to Ranbir Kapoor’s Docomo ad.

Over the past few weeks, more than 5000 frogs were found dead across various parts of the country under mysterious circumstances. It was mysterious because while nearly 50% of the frogs died by drowning in water bodies, almost all the remaining chose to die by drug overdose – causes of death virtually unknown in the anuran kind.

The Frogs that committed suicide
by drinking Coca-Cola
The Government first appointed ACP Pradyuman and his CID team to solve this case. Subsequently, IPS Officer and action superhero and Kollywood matinee idol and Illayathalapathy and Doctor and the titular owner of many other such things, Dr. Vijay IPS, was roped in to conduct investigations in collaboration with the CID.

Close Investigation by Officer Tamil (as Vijay likes to call himself when he is on duty) and his team revealed facts that had escaped the eyes of Crime Scene Investigators brought in especially for this case all the way from Las Vegas, New York and Miami – that the frogs had not died due to an external cause. They had systematically executed themselves after seeing their kind being imitated by Ranbir Kapoor in Tata Docomo’s Ad Campaign.

The particular moment at which
frogs couldn't take it anymore.
World renowned forensics expert, Dr. Dexter, from the Miami Police Department said, “Yes, tests conducted at my lab proved that they were suicides. Apparently, the frogs thought it would be best to die after facing embarrassment on national television.” When asked about the clues that led them to this conclusion, he said, “We found traces of Coca Cola, which is a pesticide... er.. no... oops... which contains pesticides,  in their bodies. And seeing that its not the first choice of drink for frogs, we inferred that it was a deliberate attempt at dying and not accidental.” Dr.Dexter however brushed aside questions by journalists asking if any frogs had done a “Brrr...” after drinking the Coca Cola by saying “They didn’t live long enough to do it... no more comments.”


Interestingly, bollywood actresses Deepika Padukone and Sonam Kapoor had also revealed in popular chat show, Koffee with Karan that Ranbir Kapoor hated frogs, but the footage was removed due to irrelevance. The deleted footage resurfaced in a CD mailed to all Media houses. While Rishi Kapoor, father of Ranbir Kapoor, slammed Deepika and Sonam and apparently asked them to say that the CD is doctored, they have refused to do so, adding that Ranbir Kapoor is a sore loser. Security agencies are now wondering if the broadcast of this footage in the original show edit, might’ve helped save the valuable lives of the innocent frogs. It remains to be seen how the authorities will respond to this latest tragedy. Watch this place for more. 

The ad that caused the frog-holocaust


A brutal Ranbir Kapoor didnt even leave 
the tiny tadpoles out of his horrific jokes. 
Much to the anguish of Child Welfare Organisations









Jeppiar and the Honorary Doctorate !

On May 12th, Thursday, Sathyabhama University awarded an Honourary Doctorate to DRDO scientist Dr.Sundaresh, lyricist and musician, Dr.Gangai Amaran, and to popular Tamil actor, Dr.Prabhu.

One of the great educationalists of 21st Century, Dr.Jeppiar, who is also the Founder-Chancellor of Sathyabhama University, made a moving speech on this occasion. Dr.Jeppiar who is known to be a great orator, who insists on speaking only in the English Language, introduced the guests to the audience, predominantly students, and explained how honoured Sathyabhama was, giving these 'distingised' guests, the honorary doctorate. Below, is the full text of his speech. The line break has been used extensively to indicate pauses. In places where the language doesn't seem clear, the most probable meaning has been conveyed in the bracket.

Today my dear friends, honorary doctorate to award for the,
We selected four person
One is a distinguis scientist Sundares (Distinguished scientist Sundaresh)
They're all very contribute in this country
For the R & D area research and development, the defence area 
In Chennai to Delhi
Its a valuable contribution for the country
So that's why today is honouring for the doctorate in Sathyabhama University
We are proud a great scientist to receive the honorary doctorate in Sathyabhama
Sathyabhama is a proud not a Sundares 


In another 
Today there is a professor and a student to jointly to receive the doctorate today
Who is a frofessor ? (professor)
Gangai Amaran.
Gangai Amaran is a frofessor of Dr.Prabheu (Prabhu)
Gangai Amaran produced a pishure Holy Coup De ( produced a picture Kozhi Koovuthae) 
That is a first movie Dr.Perabhu is introduced for the screen
So there is a frofessor there is student
But today, Perabhu is worldwise knowing personality


So today Professor and student jointly to receiving the doctorate for Sathyabhama, I am proud
My dear friends, Dr.Ganagai Amaran and Dr. Perabhe
Perabhu is a renovate family (reverred family)
Dr.Sivaji Ganesan's son
Gangai Amaran 
Isaignani Illayaraja brother
They are all come over here to acceptance our invitations

If you still want to see the video after reading the text, here it is. The speech lasts only for the first few minutes. Its serious stuff after that.









Sitting and watching proceedings from an
inconspicuous corner of the hall,
Navjot Singh Sidhu is for once, Tongue tied.
Poor man Cant believe his eyes.



But be what it may friends, for all those who thought Sathyabhama is a University, remember these sublime words. "Sathyabhama is a proud, not a Sundares".

Powerpuff Girls !


Yeah, so finally Elections 2011 have drawn to quite an exciting end for voters with the expected favourites taking away all the glory, or in unparliamentary, lesser civilised language, ‘raping’ the incumbent governments. All the states which went to the polls got very satisfactory results, but the two that have stood out this time are West Bengal and Tamil Nadu.

In my earlier post on Female Chauvinism, I had suggested that female power was sweeping through 21st Century India. Election results this time around reaffirm that belief – women are growing stronger across the country. And like one tweet said "From sweeping floors, to sweeping polls, women have come a long way in India". However, though one may be tempted to see this as a very strong statement made by women in a male dominated society,  its not as much about emancipation of women, as it is about the brilliance of an electoral victory for parties that have been patiently awaiting their moment of glory. 




Mamata Bannerjee is very masala-esque filmi leader, one any moviemaker or biographer would love. She has done a variety of things, of which catching hold of the collar of her colleagues and throwing them out of parliament is certainly not the most daring. She is a great orator and a lot of her energy flows onto you when you listen to her (even when she speaks in Bengali, a language which is certainly not one that I can claim to follow even to the remotest extent). She may not be the most hygienic looking people around, neither is she the most parliamentary parliamentarian. She is petty and for all I can say, very irritating and annoying, smiles sparingly like its gold, but I have come to respect her a lot, if not like her, over the past few years.

Now just think. A party has been winning every election the last seven times. The state belongs to them with all its machinery. The bureaucracy is rooted in the party and is family to the party. And against such a party, you decide to fight. They threaten you, you dont budge. They hit you, beat you up, you still fight. They try to kill you, you still wont relent. Mighty Woman, you rock !! You deserve greatness. And what's even more remarkable is that Mamata Banerjee beat the Left in being Left. In simpler terms, she accused a Socialist government of trying to be capitalist and imperialistic and showed them their way out ! Now, that is truly 
outstanding politics.




Jayalalithaa, whom everyone now calls Amma (even Karunanidhi probably, how ironical!!), didnt have to do anything that remarkable or outstanding. She's been in power before, twice in fact and has achieved everything that a political leader would aspire to in their careers even getting to arrest her enemy no.1. She just had to ride on the anti-incumbency wave (the phenomenon that makes people less inclined towards the present government and want a change for no specific reason) and do the right things at the right time to achieve a victory which isn't new to her or to Tamil Nadu. But this victory is significant nevertheless.

Amma winning the elections, or rather steamrolling the DMK, is very significant because this is widely being seen as the answer to Karuna's running the state like it was family property, putting his family in charge of running affairs while peacefully enjoying a luxurious life looting the common man. Now that is something which is not acceptable to the people. Not that Amma is any less corrupt. She has been involved directly in corruption cases unlike Karunanidhi, who at least leaves this to lesser mortals in his home. So contrary to what most analysts say, I do not believe that corruption was the factor for the voter. No voter will vote for Amma over Karuna on the basis of just corruption. No.

So its not anti-incumbency, not corruption, what then worked in Amma's favour ? The larger perspective here is Amma has always been a leader of the masses. Her previous term did see excellent performance by her. The energy situation in the state improved, she revamped the education system to a certain extent, she came down hard on hooliganism and rowdism, improved the condition of the women, etc. So if she has actually won because of her history of Governance this time, why did she lose last time around ? Her losses in the previous election can to a great extent be attributed to the DMK's money power, if the maid servant at my house is to be believed. A very intriguing allegation, but then there is a lot of substance in it. DMK, with power at the centre, did have a lot of cash to give away. That was around the time when buying voters first began showing an ugly face and the Election Commission was not very strong on that last time. So the voters swung to the money and DMK returned to power. This time however, the electorate has matured. They seemed to have taken the money, but voted for Amma. 

The whole concept that Amma won on her performance history may be wrong. The only way to verify this theory is the next election. If DMK comes back next time, it will firmly be established that the Tamil Nadu voter prefers a different government each time, which will be boring cos it will become predictable after that. Once again, that will depend on Amma's policies and her behaviour this time. She will have to work hard to keep the voters' trust in her alive until next time around, and most people believe she can and she will. Until then however, it will be interesting to see how she hounds on each of her opponents. It will also be interesting to see, as has been widely observed, what will happen to Vadivelu who has managed to more than just rub the ADMK alliance on the wrong side. 

On a positive note, with consistent polling rates of over 80% this time, election fans will be happy at how things have gone this time. Our electorate is maturing, our people are beginning to think before they vote, and they are beginning to vote in large numbers. However Ravi Shastri-ly this may sound, At the end of the day, it is Democracy that has won. 

'Kaavalan' stirs Controversy

Shangai, May 8: In what could spark off a major diplomatic face-off, Illayathalapathy Vijay's blockbuster film "Kaavalan" has been selected to be screened at the Shangai International Film Festival this year after intense pressure by Indian authorities on the organisers of the event. The announcement came in on Saturday evening immediately setting off a buzz in international diplomatic circles.

Strategic experts see this as a concerted attempt by India to get back on the international military radar. One analyst told to us on condition of anonymity,"Whenever India says it has built itself a new missile or a fighter jet 'indigenously', what it actually does is buy all components from its strategic allies, uses their model to assemble things together and give it a new name. But Vijay is different. He is India's first home-grown super bomb and could well be India's answer to the Chinese arsenal. They often show-off what they've got, its time we showed them what we are capable of."

When asked why this is being taken so seriously, Mr.Anonymous said,"Getting a film screened in an international film festival may seem innocuous. But on hindsight, this move could be aimed at destabilising the Chinese economy which has witnessed robust growth in the past few years. At the same time, the disruption it causes to Chinese will be hard to overcome in the near future. It is not a terror strike. It is much much more lethal."

This announcement comes close on the heels of Operation Geronimo, an operation that killed Osama bin Laden exactly one week ago. It is significant because White House press releases have confirmed that Osama bin Laden was watching TV at the time of death. Unofficial reports suggest that there was a pirated DVD of "Kaavalan" inside the DVD player. Hence, speculation is strife that Osama wasn't actually killed by the commandos, but he died while watching Vijay's martial arts skills in the movie. This report is corroborated by the fact that Osama himself was a Judo player and possibly couldn't bear the sight of Vijay's skills. It cannot be ruled out that Osama was himself trying to learn a few of those skills.

The DVD found inside the player had this cover

Osama played Judo. Which is why Vijay's
martial arts must've interested him.



When we asked Mr.Anonymous what he felt about this, he said, "Well, quite possible. I've just told you how dangerous he is. Consider the fact. He killed the most wanted criminal in the history of the Earth. Chinese are nothing to him."

Also, credible sources state that this may have been the whole reason why Rahul Gandhi met Dr.Vijay. When Dr.Vijay was approached for a comment, he chose to say "SILENCE!!!!" and left in a miff.

Meanwhile, response from the Indian Government is awaited. The Minister of External Affairs, S.M.Krishna, did in fact call for a Press Conference earlier in the day, but accidentally read out the text of some random Spanish guy this time. We didn't understand any bit of what he said, so forget it. For more news on all the controversies Kaavalan has been involved it, watch this space. 

5 #Worshtu Things that happened to Indian News Channels

In 1947, India finally won the struggle for Independence and got rid of the British. Over the next few years, Dr.B.R.Ambedkar meticulously prepared a humungous 5000 page document that, in its edited version was to become the Constitution of India. Among those 5000 pages, one particular page was dedicated to the Right to Freedom of Expression which is the closest it gets to giving India the Freedom of Press.

However, if Dr.Ambedkar had at that point of time anticipated that 5 decades later, we would have these extremely repulsive zombies dressed in coats and other modern fashionable fibres bringing to us reports of dogs biting each other to death as the latest breaking news of the day, he might have chosen to stealthily eliminate those 3 magic words called 'Freedom of Expression' and made the monotonous and insipid (and literally boring) Doordarshan the only official mouth piece of the Government. As it turns out, Kaliyuga arrived and we were destined to be doomed because a few years later, Vinod Mehta and M.J.Akbar were born. Then there was no looking back, zombies won every battle from there and today, we have been reduced to believing what they tell us about the state of affairs in this country.

There is no glory left in the Indian Media. It has seen all the possible lows. There's no single thing you can actually say you love about the media. They sensationalize things, gang up on people who they dont like, give over build up to vetti scene people. So you will appreciate how difficult it was for me to short list just 5 things I hate about the media. But I have managed to do it, and I'm sure you will agree !




Sleep is heavenly not at night but in the afternoon. I was once enjoying my 3 hour afternoon nap when suddenly, I heard the Johnny Quest theme music at a distance. I sat up immediately thrilled !! Yes !! Johnny Quest was back ! I didn't exactly swim across seven seas, but did run across seven rooms at breakneck speed, accruing expletives from everyone around on my way and a final, heroic leap onto the sofa (a leap that would make Anju Bobby Geroge proud) and turned my eyes towards the television.....

...to see that a zombie was doing a report on Land Mafia's taking over land from middle class people in Delhi suburbs. Apparently it was inspired from "Khosla ka Ghosla" and a Citijen Journalist (amateur Zombie) thought it would be fit to tell the world what exactly was happening there. I understand his pheelings, the report itself was well researched and decent. Ellam Seri.... What I ask is, why on earth would they use a BG score for a news report ?!?! And as if that were not enough, the Johnny Quest score ?? Gary Lionelli would've died five times on seeing that, each time reawakening from the dead on the simple hope that they would've stopped playing it. Like Moaning Myrtle, His Soul will Haunt them forever.

Not in my wildest dreams can I imagine the insatiable urge of an editor to add music to a news report. What is the point ? Adding music totally shifts away the focus from the core issue and makes the news piece look like a television serial. It is sensationalism at its worst.






Probably the most used, over used and abused word in the Indian Media today is "Exclusive". The age and experience of a news channel is gauged by how many times in one hour they use this word. Everyone knows that newsreaders and reporters are trained before they take up their respective jobs in the Channel. An important part of that training is to get the newsreader to habitually say "Exclusive" once every ten minutes. People who cannot get themselves to say Exclusive naturally are sent of and advised not to pursue the noble art of News reading.

Exactly what they mean by exclusive, I don't know. "Osama Bin Laden dead, Exclusive Report !". How can bin Laden dying be an exclusive report ??? It is a piece of news, you fool!

Equally irritating, if not more, is the damned practice of saying "Your Channel brought this first to you!" "Fifteen people died in the crash! Remember, your channel reported it first" "The CM died, Your Channel reached the accident site first, even before the Police did" Oh Yeah ? You didn't reach there before the accident happened ? Why didn't you die ?


Mandeep Bevli of Grand Stand - The scary sight all news watchers
must have seen at least once and pray they never see again !
Rahul Kanwal - Straight from the Cartoon book.


An insane man once remarked, "Indian Media is among the best in the World." As if to take his word seriously and immediately propose a solution to this problem of the dire dearth of nonsense in the Indian Media, God said "Let there be Headlines Today".

Headlines Today consider themselves to be "Refreshingly Different". I call them "Murderously Indifferent". On a hopeless day, while the rest of the news channels go overboard on calling politicians names after the 2G scam is uncovered, one switches to Headlines Today to see their side of the story, only to find a detestable Mandeep Bevli shaking every single of her 206 bones (as if to prove to us she has them) along all directions, telling us which film of we must watch this weekend.

This can be forgiven, because they aren't exactly trying to report news here. But what comes next is unpardonable. Halfway through Bevli's monkey dance, BREAKING NEWS flashes across the screen and when you finally get prepared to watch some news, a cartoon pops up. On closer observation for 2 more minutes, you realise that the cartoon you think is a cartoon, is not actually a cartoon - It is Rahul Kanwal. He tells you in animated breaths how A.Raja's aide's wife's brother's brother-in-law's grandfather had taken a bribe from an Officer during the British Raj telling us that Corruption runs in Raja's family. That is the breaking news. Brilliantly researched isn't it ? After this, Belvi returns

Together, Bevli and Kanwal form the core of Headlines Today's News team. They are the face of Indian Media Nonsense. But that isn't it. There is more.





Barkha Dutt is the best example for a nice apple gone bad. She in many ways is the single biggest loss to the body of Good News Reporters. She started off during Kargil when NDTV was one of the few channels around. Without the competition, news reporting was at its best during those days. NDTV had a great team in Pranoy Roy, Vikram Chandra, Rajdeep Sardesai, Sonia Singh and others, among them Barkha Dutt.

Over the years, with the advent of other channels, Barkha Dutt and to a great extent NDTV, have given away to sensationalism and to exaggeration, like many of their competitors. While the rest of the NDTV team didn't rot, Barkha Dutt went a little too far for reclamation. She started poking her humungous nose into politics, lobbying for people, trying to with her contacts for news, quite often trapped red handed. A lot of her credibility as a fair journalist has now been lost.

She is often accused of conducting Media Trials and of character assassination. She tweets on fake accounts about herself and her programme and also shows those tweets as opinion of the general public. She is routinely snubbed by people , often gets her facts wrong and goes over board in trying to make a point leaning towards her point of view,when, ideally, she is supposed to be neutral.

Barkha Dutt is among the most irritatingly things to see on news today. But NDTV remains the best network by a large margin, except perhaps CNN-IBN.






In Sparta, when children are born, they are closely observed for any defects. If any defects are found, they are discarded. Around the time King Leonidas was fighting Xerxes near the Hot Gate, a child was born with a strangely shaped head. X-ray machines of those ancient days (about 480 BC) were crude, but they showed something which no one could refute, the baby had no brain in the head.

The baby was discarded. Fighting with wolves, sharks in the sea and finally, terrorists from the Pakistan Army.. chi,no... from the Al Qaeda, the baby, who had by then grown into an adult, finally reached the emerald blue waters of the Arabian Sea and saw that he had reached the Gateway of India. The man decided that his experiences needed to motivate a generation of people to follow in his footsteps. The man decided that everyone needed to listen to this story, to every story of the suppressed, the depressed and the oppressed (He was a big TR fan then too. TR has a huge fan base in Sparta). The man decided, he would become a News Reader. From then on, the boy won every battle of his life and is today one of the many Brainless Newsreaders in India. He is none other than Arnab Goswami.

Arnab Goswami's horrific past has a huge impact on his Newsreading. First, everyone knows he has no brains. though he never publicly said that, people are very understanding of him. He has an inclination towards others with no brains, and so Rahul Shivshankar is another important part of Times Now. He lets only guests with no brains talk on his show, BJP Spokesperson Ravi Shankar Prasad, the most regular of them. In fact, it wouldnt be inaccurate at all, to say that Ravi Shankar Prasad works for Times Now. He is the most regular feature on the channel, apart from Arnab Goswami himself.

Second, Arnab feels that since elders in Sparta didn't give him a chance to speak before dumping him into garbage, he will not let anyone else speak on his channel. He is notorious for asking incomprehensibly long questions and then interrupting the guests answering him in less than 5 seconds. In fact, a new trend in JAM is emerging. These days winners in a JAM contest have another round after the usual ones. They have to compete against a recorded blabber of Arnab Goswami. No one has won it yet.

While I could go on ranting for hours about Arnab Goswami and his legacy over the years, I will stop here in the interest of the length of this post. Indian Media in general, and the electronic media in particular have always looked up to their western counterparts for ideas to improve. While the masala added is something that is a realistic necessity for making news more acceptable, it is important that our media draws a definite line between commercialism and sincere news reporting.

Another thing our media must understand is that at the end of the day, how many ever other channels exist to compete against them, the news they report is the same. A channel doesn't become unique by using the spelling "Qasab" or "Kasav" instead of "Kasab". A channel can be unique only by its content. Good content, minus the sensationalism will still appeal to the audiences. If newspapers like The Hindu can survive only on the basis of their staunch belief in quality content, it shouldn't be tough for established news channels to do it.

The Media must to a great extent stop telling the Government and the people what to do. Their role begins and ends at carrying information to the people. Analysing it for them is acceptable, but deciding for them is not.

Our Media has a long way to go. Hope it learns its lessons quickly!


Glossary of Terms : 


1. Worshtu - Worst with an emphasis
2. Zombie - the word zombie amd its relevance to the news readers can be explained by the following definition "A hypnotized person bereft of consciousness and self-awareness, yet ambulant and able to respond to surrounding stimuli." (courtesy : Wikipedia).
2. Citijen - 'Amits' (North Indians) pronounce Citizen that way
3. Ellam Seri - Literally means 'everything is ok', used usually when nothing is ok and you have something to complain about. It is normally followed with a bad insult.
4. Pheelings - Feelings with an emphasis


Recommended Articles:
If you want to read more posts on the state of the Indian media, you can visit the following posts which inspired this entry
1. http://www.rakeshjhunjhunwala.in/2010/10/arnab-goswami-birth-of-hero.html
2. http://swathipradeep-comics.blogspot.com/2010/11/barkha-dutt-scam-part-1.html
3. http://karthik3685.wordpress.com/2007/11/27/contender-1-for-worst-indian-journalist-arnab-goswami/
4. http://www.gkhamba.com/2010/04/open-letter-to-arnab-goswami-of-times.html

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