For the past few days I have been patronising the Bengaluru Metropolitan Transport Corporation (BMTC) for my daily travelling in Bangalore. During one of those looong journeys in the rather unhospitable Bangalore Traffic, my eyes were straining themselves to catch a glimpse of those elusive 'semma figures' that Bangalore bound acquaintances always keep speaking of, when suddenly, a bag of apples flew from nowhere and fell on my head. I had my Newton-moment then and my mind was almost instantly filled with the great questions revolving around the dynamics of the Bangalore Bus journeys. When does a bus actually arrive ? Which buses have all the good figures? Which is the best bus ? and the like.
Having spent several sleepless nights analysing all the experiences and experiments I had with Bangalore Buses, I was finally able to logically arrive at a series of postulates that govern the Mechanics, kinetics, kinematics, dynamics, etc of Bangalore Bus Travel. Presenting, the Laws of Bangalore Buses !
First Law:
There is always an extended time lag between the time a bus user reaches a bus stop and the time that the desired bus arrives at the bus stop.
(or)
When Bus is early, you are late and When Bus is late, you are early.
It is never possible to reach a bus stop just in time for a bus. The first law of Bangalore Bus Travel states that you will always have to wait at the bus stop - whether you are early or even if you are late.
This is because Bangalore buses have no timing. They can come at any time, except when you just reached the bus stop. The rare bus which arrives near the bus stop, deliberately doesn't stop at the bus stop, just so you cant get into it.
We have also researched on the methods to tackle the effect of the First Law of Bus Travel. To ensure that you get a bus as soon as you reach the bus stop, what you can possibly do is stand near the bus stop, rather than at the bus stop. Stand anywhere closeby, some tea shop, some pan shop, but surely not at the bus stop itself. To increase the chances, you could also try to act as if you aren't really looking at the buses coming, but keep peeping through the corner of your eye. This way, you will be saved from the boring experience of having to wait for the bus.
Alternatively, go to the bus stop and ask someone for the bus route to a location different from where you want to go. And then act as if you actually want to go to that place. You will see a bus coming really fast. TADA ! Thats the bus to the place you actually wanted to go to.
Corollary: From the above observed facts, a corollary of the above law is :
The only bus which is always late, is the one you want to travel urgently in. The only bus which is always early is the one you desperately hope you don't miss.
Second Law:
The outflow of liquidity is a direct product of two factors - an impending scarcity of funds and the close proximity of the destination.
(or)
An AC bus always arrives just when you don't have enough cash to travel in it or when you have to get down at the closest bus stop.
This Law is a direct application of the universal law of "Shit Happens". Yes, just when you dont have enough cash for lunch and have to get somewhere for lunch, an ordinary bus will never come your way. You will only have an AC bus to take you there. On a different occasion, if you want to go to the immediately next stop, but the distance is too far to walk on foot, you will never get a normal bus. The bus is always a costly Volvo bus.
The simple and only way to tackle the second law is by carrying a sufficient amount of cash in hand. This will directly increase liquidity causing more non-AC buses to come by.
Third Law:
The aesthetic appeal of eves of the Homo Sapien species is a quantity directly proportional to the aesthetic appeal of the civilian mode of transport they frequent in.
(or)
Quality of figure is proportional to quality of bus.
This is simplest of the three laws of Bangalore buses. You cannot expect to come across a semma figure in a sappa bus. So if you are a guy, actually going around Bangalore for all the obvious reasons, it would be advisable to travel in the better looking buses 'cos thats where the prospects of 'sighting' are better off.
Having said that, the converse of this law is not true. Quality of buses is not always directly proportional to quality of figures as sappa figures may travel in semma buses. So beware of this rider! (Rider, as in, a puzzle, a trap. Not what you think. Shit! Dirty minds)
There are a few empirical ways to ensure that you take a bus with the maximum probability of a figure:
If you still aren't sure which bus you must take, wait at the bus stop for sometime and try looking for a figure.Fix your eyes on the figure and observe which bus she takes. Taking the same bus is a good call. (This method is useless if you want to get somewhere else from where the bus is going)
THE IDEAL BUS JOURNEY:
Based on these above laws, we can define the ideal bus journey as follows:
The Ideal bus journey is defined as one, where you reach a bus stop and a pink coloured hi-tech looking, zero pollution Marco Polo bus stops immediately in front of your eyes, and you get inside and when you ask how much it costs, a girl from behind you tells you that its free upto the next stop and when you turn back to look at her, she turns out to be Deepika Padukone.
P.S: Ideal conditions are impossible to achieve.
P.P.S : To all feminists, the third law was not my idea.
Contributing Credits: Third Law - F.Mohammed Irfaan
Glossary:
Semma figure - girls worth seeing
Sappa figure - girls not worth seeing
Having spent several sleepless nights analysing all the experiences and experiments I had with Bangalore Buses, I was finally able to logically arrive at a series of postulates that govern the Mechanics, kinetics, kinematics, dynamics, etc of Bangalore Bus Travel. Presenting, the Laws of Bangalore Buses !
First Law:
There is always an extended time lag between the time a bus user reaches a bus stop and the time that the desired bus arrives at the bus stop.
(or)
When Bus is early, you are late and When Bus is late, you are early.
It is never possible to reach a bus stop just in time for a bus. The first law of Bangalore Bus Travel states that you will always have to wait at the bus stop - whether you are early or even if you are late.
This is because Bangalore buses have no timing. They can come at any time, except when you just reached the bus stop. The rare bus which arrives near the bus stop, deliberately doesn't stop at the bus stop, just so you cant get into it.
We have also researched on the methods to tackle the effect of the First Law of Bus Travel. To ensure that you get a bus as soon as you reach the bus stop, what you can possibly do is stand near the bus stop, rather than at the bus stop. Stand anywhere closeby, some tea shop, some pan shop, but surely not at the bus stop itself. To increase the chances, you could also try to act as if you aren't really looking at the buses coming, but keep peeping through the corner of your eye. This way, you will be saved from the boring experience of having to wait for the bus.
Alternatively, go to the bus stop and ask someone for the bus route to a location different from where you want to go. And then act as if you actually want to go to that place. You will see a bus coming really fast. TADA ! Thats the bus to the place you actually wanted to go to.
Corollary: From the above observed facts, a corollary of the above law is :
The only bus which is always late, is the one you want to travel urgently in. The only bus which is always early is the one you desperately hope you don't miss.
Second Law:
The outflow of liquidity is a direct product of two factors - an impending scarcity of funds and the close proximity of the destination.
(or)
An AC bus always arrives just when you don't have enough cash to travel in it or when you have to get down at the closest bus stop.
This Law is a direct application of the universal law of "Shit Happens". Yes, just when you dont have enough cash for lunch and have to get somewhere for lunch, an ordinary bus will never come your way. You will only have an AC bus to take you there. On a different occasion, if you want to go to the immediately next stop, but the distance is too far to walk on foot, you will never get a normal bus. The bus is always a costly Volvo bus.
The simple and only way to tackle the second law is by carrying a sufficient amount of cash in hand. This will directly increase liquidity causing more non-AC buses to come by.
Third Law:
The aesthetic appeal of eves of the Homo Sapien species is a quantity directly proportional to the aesthetic appeal of the civilian mode of transport they frequent in.
(or)
Quality of figure is proportional to quality of bus.
This is simplest of the three laws of Bangalore buses. You cannot expect to come across a semma figure in a sappa bus. So if you are a guy, actually going around Bangalore for all the obvious reasons, it would be advisable to travel in the better looking buses 'cos thats where the prospects of 'sighting' are better off.
Having said that, the converse of this law is not true. Quality of buses is not always directly proportional to quality of figures as sappa figures may travel in semma buses. So beware of this rider! (Rider, as in, a puzzle, a trap. Not what you think. Shit! Dirty minds)
There are a few empirical ways to ensure that you take a bus with the maximum probability of a figure:
- Avoid buses that look old.
- Avoid buses that have high footboards (Modern buses have a low footboard. Figures use those buses only)
- Avoid buses which have a black exhaust (Yes, pollution conscious semma figures travel only in "Bharat Stage I" certified vehicles)
- Travel preferably in Tata or Volvo buses and avoid Ashok Leyland.
- It would be an added favourable factor if the bus had some fancy colour like green or red. (Sadly, there aren't violet and pink coloured buses yet)
If you still aren't sure which bus you must take, wait at the bus stop for sometime and try looking for a figure.Fix your eyes on the figure and observe which bus she takes. Taking the same bus is a good call. (This method is useless if you want to get somewhere else from where the bus is going)
THE IDEAL BUS JOURNEY:
Based on these above laws, we can define the ideal bus journey as follows:
The Ideal bus journey is defined as one, where you reach a bus stop and a pink coloured hi-tech looking, zero pollution Marco Polo bus stops immediately in front of your eyes, and you get inside and when you ask how much it costs, a girl from behind you tells you that its free upto the next stop and when you turn back to look at her, she turns out to be Deepika Padukone.
P.S: Ideal conditions are impossible to achieve.
P.P.S : To all feminists, the third law was not my idea.
Contributing Credits: Third Law - F.Mohammed Irfaan
Glossary:
Semma figure - girls worth seeing
Sappa figure - girls not worth seeing
