The King is Back !! Don 2 : Review

It is the middle of the sea. 5 influential men of the European drug cartel sit on a yacht, having a heated discussion. They cannot stand the sight of each other, but they have to tolerate them, because they have one common interest which has to be addressed before it’s too late – to kill Don. What follows is a remarkable spectacle of brilliant film making virtually unknown in the Indian film industry – an experience which delights as it happens, and when it ends, fills your mind with images that make you want to undergo the experience again and again!

Don-2, written and directed by Farhan Akhtar, has the best written screenplay in a Bollywood film in recent times. The story has a great pace about it that never really lets you lie back. You are on the edge of your seats right from the moment the movie begins. It has plenty of negative characters including Vardhaan returning from the first movie, and a couple others thrown in to make one grand party! From Europe to Thailand, Malaysia to Berlin, the story runs in a brisk fashion, leaving your heart pounding for action. And when the action begins, by god, you don’t want it to stop!! 

The trailer gave us a hint of what to expect. Don surrenders himself to the Police to rescue Vardhaan from prison. Together, they plot a plan to loot the DZB (cant expand it, some German shit I cant pronounce or spell), Germany's largest Reseve Bank where they print the Euro Currency notes. To those who think Don is after the money, he makes it clear "Mujhe paise mei koi interest nahi". He is not interested in the money. Then ??
He is after the currency printing plates. Why take truckloads of cash when you can print it yourself with the plates?? 
That's Don for you. 
If you are complaining that I let out the film's plot to you, I have to tell you that there is still too much for you to keep track of in the film. Every scene, every second of the film has a vital link. I can only advise you to go easy on coke or water or any other liquid before the film. You don't want to make one trip to the bathroom and end up losing track of the entire film!!

I always knew Farhan Akhtar was a great film maker. He is famous for bringing his father’s Don to our generation, and until yesterday evening, Don was a remake of the 1978 film. But after Don-2, people will remember Don (1978) as the film that inspired the Don series. It is always difficult to make sequels to hugely popular films cos more often than not, it is the first movie of the series that is enjoyed the most, but Don breaks that trend. And no one gets bigger credit for this than Farhan Akhtar.

Talking of credit, another man deserves a big applause for Don-2 - no prizes for guessing who. Shah Rukh Khan comes back in the role that he loves so much, and we love seeing him in so much. Shah Rukh Khan can finally sleep well after the RaOne nightmare, knowing that people across the country still love him, when he lets the director do stuff. 

It is regular for actors to own characters and fill it with a lot of themselves. But the great thing about the Don series is that the character is slowly growing bigger than the actor.When you come out of the film, it is one of the rare moments when the character dominates your experience more than the actor himself. Almost everyone I asked about the film after I came out said “Great film man, Don was fucking awesome!!” and not “Shah Rukh Khan was fucking awesome!!” The only time I have witnessed this before is with the 007 franchise and that’s a mark of how the Don character has captured the imagination of the audience.

Another important feature of the film is its awesome score by Shankar Ehsaan Loy. I know a lot of people were disappointed with the soundtrack of the film (my dear friend Prasad even went to the extent of calling it “a cheap remake of the first part”, and I feel too that the trio are well beyond their peak) but the music of the film is haunting. It has only two full length songs (thankfully!!) ‘Zara Dil ko Thaam Lo’ and ‘Hai Maya’ which are appropriately placed in the screenplay and directed really well. One may feel sad that there is no ‘Aaj Ki Raat’ or ‘Main Hoon Don’ in this, but trust me, any more songs would have dampened the movie. This film was about pace and speed and any more songs and dance would have been irritants as they so often are.

Brilliant screenplay and direction, a Don with a killer edge, awesome background score, you will think that this is almost all that defines Don-2. But then you gotta add in the ensemble cast and their performances, be it Priyanka Chopra returning as the “junglee Billi” Roma, or the versatile Boman Irani as the Don’s scheming cold blooded nemesis Vardhaan. Kunal Kapoor makes a decent attempt to get noticed among all this as a young computer hacker, Samir Ali, and manages to leave a mark. Lara Dutta appears on and off and along with Hrithik Roshan who appears briefly, is credited for guest appearance in the end titles.

It has been a trend for the past few years that the last film released in the calendar year also becomes the most successful. While Aamir Khan has been the Ruler of December in recent years, this time its Shah Rukh Khan’s turn to carry the flag. He is after all, the King Khan. And as a Shah Rukh Khan fan, I take great pride that at the end of the day, as all the promo’s of the film proclaim, The King is Back.


Verdict:
Don 2
Highly Recommended.
4/5 stars.
Watch it before crappy reviewers and mindless critics spoil the experience for you. 

Ra.One : The Review (Damage Assessment)

(MAJOR SPOILER ALERT. DONT READ AHEAD IF YOU HAVE ANY INTENTIONS OF WATCHING THE MOVIE RA.ONE. HAVING SAID THAT, I WOULD SINCERELY ADVISE YOU TO PROMPTLY GIVE UP ANY SUCH PLANS AND WATCH IT ON SONY TV TWO MONTHS LATER. 

THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED IN THIS POST ARE THE AUTHORS PERSONAL THOUGHTS. NO VANDALISM HOOLIGANISM AND BAD-WORD-ISM FROM SRK FANS AND SUDARSHAN SRIDHAR WILL BE TOLERATED.)

When I went to Sathyam at 5.30 AM on Sunday morning to stand in that long serpentile queue to get a ticket of Ra.One, the guy standing behind me annoyed me by laughing through the length of the queue. His point - What kind of a guy wakes up so early and stands in such a long queue to get the ticket of some random "saettu" movie. I ignored him, got the tickets, elated. I was going to watch SRK's film in theatre, On the FIRST DAY! The day has passed, and so has the movie. From this end of the equation, I laugh at myself - I mean what kind of a guy wakes up so early and stands in such a long queue to get the ticket of some random "saettu" movie that finally turns out to be this bad? Ra.One has been my biggest movie disappointment since birth. Maybe because I expected so much out of it, or maybe because of SRK's own doing - the intense hype that he created - the film just didnt take-off for me. 

Ra.One("Raavan") or Random Access One is the most powerful villain ever made - an invincible villain - born out of a Video Game maker, Shekar Subramanian's urge to do something great for his son, Prateek (Armaan Verma), who feels that the best video game ever made will be the one where the villain cannot die. In an attempt to make the villain even more stronger to conquer, Shekar adds some "Artificial Intelligence Programming" to Ra.One that gives Ra.One the ability to think beyond what normal video games can, to avoid losing the game. Soon he develops an ego because Lucifer, Prateek's vitual world alter-ego, has defeated him in two rounds, and wants to come out to the real World to find and kill Lucifer. In the ensuing battle, Shekhar dies, and the only thing Prateek can do to save himself and his mom is to bring G.One or Good One, the hero of the video game built on Shekar's personality and looks, to reality too. Then begins the eternal Indian quest of the victory of good over evil and the film shows how the biggest battles are one, not by power of the body, but by the power of the heart. 

Impossible science apart, the premise is pretty great and different from the sci-fi films seen yet. But there is no flow in the plot and the film is poorly scripted . The bad screenplay could've been made up with good direction, but there again, direction is a huge let down. This is probably what SRK's ghost directing the film did to it. 

However, there are some reasons to cheer the film. Excellent graphics and awesome stunt scenes keep you engaged in the movie even when there's nothing else to watch out for. The Background Music though out of place in one or two scenes is classy throughout. The Vishal-Shekar duo has done an amazing job with the soundtrack of this movie. The Soundtrack has a couple of chartbusters and they make their mark in the film. 
Music overall is a strongpoint that this film has, and Vishal and Shekar are maturing by the day, getting lots better. A great reason to watch the film would also be Arjun Rampal, though he has been virtually reduced to a guest appearance, appearing only in the last 45 minutes or so - good enough to make an impact as the cold, dreaded villain. Kareena Kapoor, far from her size zero days, looks awesome, though has nothing to do at all apart from use up the glycerine they stocked up for the film! 

So where does Ra.One crash ? It has a seemingly good premise, and though not a very good plot, Bollywood movies rarely run on a great story anyway. It has great music, excellent World Class graphics, so then what exactly went wrong for Ra. One ? There are a couple of reasons, first of which I feel is SRK himself. The films got too much of him, to a point where you cant take it anymore. SRK features in every scene of the film and tries to become that Super hero. It is a noble attempt, no doubt, but it gets boring after a point of time. Comparisons to Endhiran (Robot) are expected initially, but you must know, Endhiran was a far better movie, in terms of both the entertainment quotient and a lot more sensible script.

His antics as Shekar Subramanian dont help matters much. The character is a Tamil stereotype, one that is not likely to go down very well with Tamil audiences (me included). A particularly bad example is how he eats noodles mixed with curd. That's lame. I do not eat noodles with curd. And I am yet to find one Tamilian who does, so what's he trying to do? It is in this kind of a background that he brings in his half hearted tribute to the Superstar, which though awesomely greeted and excellently executed, doesn't have the kind of impact it deserved because of the Shekar Subramaniam fiasco. 

These factors apart, the biggest reason why I feel Ra.One fails to impress is the hype that he himself created. This is the best example of a mega promotion backfire. For the first few days, Chammak Challo was okay, but soon he went overboard trying to dominate every single space of advertising, giving interviews to Jaya TV and all, and that just collapsed. There were so many people I can think of who went to the theatre to watch the movie, already fed up with the whole Ra.One galatta. 

Ra.One was a heartbreaker. But a heartbreaker with a heart. I wouldn't watch it again, nor would I recommend it to anyone, but it was an attempt to offer something no 10 year old Play-Station Lover has ever seen before. And as I left the theatre, my grandma was happy. She called me and said it was a very nice film and SRK was awesome in it. I couldn't help acknowledging the fact that Children and SRK fans will love this film. I smiled and told to myself - I am an SRK fan after all. 


Rating : 2.5/5
Might've been 3 if it had been Shekhar Kapoor or Rathore instead of Subramaniam, 
3.5 if Arjun Rampal appeared in the first half of the film. 
Thats as good as it gets. 

Confessions of a Shopaphobic

It was under the dimmed lights over the jeans section at Westside in Express Avenue, that I took a look at my watch. It was 7.30 and as my mind quickly processed the data, I realised that it was the longest one and a half hours of my life (including having to listen to Chemistry from 1 - 2.30 in the post lunch session). I mean I could have sworn that the minutes clock hadn't been moving for a long long time, but that was against the fundamental principles of watch-ticking - the minute hand and the second hands always stop at the same time - and so I didn't really have a go, but admit for all badness in the world, that I was a complete fail shopper.

I instantly felt depressed. I mean in this Era of hyperactive shopping and consumers rights and shopping malls, it is not bad to be a mass-murderer, but its criminal to be a complete fail in Shopping. The gravity of this crime is evident from the fact that Samuel Johnson deliberately avoided listing an antonym for the term 'Shopaholic' while  compiling his first Dictionary of the English Language. I mean that's so mean. Screw that man!!

But trust me, since times immemorial, I have never really seen a point in walking around kilometers of aisles and  stacks and stacks of neatly/unneatly, folded/unflolded/hung clothes to pick up that one piece of sewn fabric that you believe will make an average 20-year old look any less hideous than he/she actually is. I mean its ridiculous to even think that clothes have that ability. If anything, good clothes reflect  a good girlfriend. And if that is a social prestige you intend to show off to the World, then shopping is for you. Not for me... no.. I still dont see the point.

I belong to the 'gang' which believes that shopping was awesome when you just had to sit at home and watch Tom and Jerry while your Mom and her sis and that neighbour aunty and their daughter akka all went out together and when they came back got back orange colour shorts and baniyan from a kids shop. Back then shopping was so entertaining!! I dont know when suddenly the transition happened from orange shorts from a hosiery to trousers at Lifestyle, from watching TV while waiting for waiting your mom to call you and put on the baniyan to going to the trial room and trying them out yourself.

I mean look at the average process chart for shopping and you ll know why I dont appreciate shopping much.

1. Find a shop
You can base your choice of shopping spot based on a variety of factors as listed below
a) How much scene you want to put (Over scene, go to Louis Phillippe and John Players. Less Scene, go to  Peter England)
b) With whom are you shopping ( If girlfriend, go to mall. If mom, go to hosiery shop)
c) Who are you shopping for (If Girlfriend, make some excuse like fever, cough cold, etc. Going there will be dangerous for your monthly budget. And in the extreme case, if you take her to Express Avenue for shopping, you either love her too much, or you have suicidal tendencies (Visit a Psychiatrist) For others - non-gf's - it is flexible)
d) Who will be buying (If you are buying, go to Pondy Bazaar. If someone else is buying, go to Lifestyle)

2. Decide what you want to buy - This could range from jeans and corduroys to flat front to pleated to khaki to mukka pants - a product of the acceptable social convention. Like for instance, wearing a mukka pant to play football is a great idea, but then it kinda looks odd in an office when you are wearing formal shoes, full hand shirt with a tie and all... Ew.. Just imagining it looks bad enough. Dress Sense is important.

3. Decide what you want to buy in whatever you want to buy - The "java-coupled-with-nuclear-energy-for-the-evolution-of-mankind" equation means that when you decide to buy any garment - like say jeans - you are only one step into the entire clothes buying process and thats the relatively easier part. Fashion has reached a phase where you have millions of possibilities for every choice you make, and as we can see today, dedicated data mining applications are being developed just for fashion retailers. Gone are the days when you could just walk into any shop that sold fabric and say "show me jeans", cos then he will ask you "straight cut ah boot cut ah basic denim ah washed denim ah acid wash ah stone wash ah dirty wash ah slim fit ah tight fit ah low waist ah mid rise ah ??" Asking for "jeans" in a garment shop is like asking for "alchohol" in a bar. There are too many subtle differences between the choices we have.

4. Look for the price of what you want to buy- In 1905, after the partition of Bengal, when Bal Gangadhar Thilak walked into a Levi's showroom (or maybe Pepe Jeans or even Wrangler, I dont know) in Kolkata, he was so horrified by the prizes that they had listed, the moment he came out, he started the Swadeshi movement to burn down anything foreign. His point - If the cotton was from India, the cost of the garment he bought should be affordable to the normal Indian too!
If the pricing of jeans is any indication of the timing, then trust me friends, it is the best moment for the Swadeshi Movement v2.0. There is only so much that the cost of a Tiruppur manufactured fabric can multiply before it becomes the final tee-shirt displayed in the Shopping Malls. But that isn't how it turns out, and when we decide to get ourselves cheated by the hi-fi looks of that showroom and buy that one small piece of transparent "Baniyan" which someone gave a fancy name "Round Neck T-shirt", it burns the proverbial hole in our pocket ! Who said imperialism died ? Go check out the shopping malls. At the current rate, it wont be long before we all start buying our charkhas and weaving khadi - that symbol of Indian technology.

5. If you still want to buy whatever you wanted to buy, you are doomed to use the trial room to check the size cos they "dont exchange goods once purchased"
The only good thing about modern day trial rooms in shopping malls is that they are not toilets- at least not by name. Toilets are trial rooms with one critical difference - people flush when they leave!! The condition of trial rooms is getting so bad that you will often feel that there is no disgrace in changing in front of a hundred people - at least you can escape from that door-broken, stench-filled, cockroach-infested, secret-spying-cameras-installed extension counters of Hell Inc.


6. Ok. You still want to buy it ? There's still the cash counter left. 
Cash counters serve a bigger purpose than what their name may suggest, which obviously is collecting cash and giving you covers. It is the shop management's way of saying "You still haven't learnt you lessons ? We will give you one last chance". Cash counters are among the worst places to be in any Shopping Mall because even after you patiently await your chance behind that rich spoilt lady who has literally bought out the entire shop with a bill for 50k rupees, you may still not be able to get your stuff billed cos their inventory system crashed. Then again there is this entire range of ethical issues of breaking the queue and letting the woman who has a flight to catch (and also looks sexy) ahead so you can spend a few more mintues waiting. Honestly, the billing counter of a clothes showroom is the longest you have to wait to lose money. I mean even at Tirupati, you can look forward to Laddus at the end. But nothing here. You spent all the bad time to pay money to that small boy at the counter so he can give you covers (again, for which you pay now)


7. Alteration Counter
Blessed are those who have a body that conforms to fashion apparel standards set across the globe. Cos if they aren't, they will have to spend an amount of time equal to the first six steps just to get their apparel to conform to the standards that their body establishes. The alteration counter is the first place where you catch the wind of unhappiness over your decision to buy clothes. Cos this wait is longer than the billing counter, only the wait doesn't end there. Its an hour or maybe two after you patiently walk through the length of that queue (cos the number of people with disproportionate body structures is more than just a few) that you get your dress back, stitched as you want and all.

Shopping at Malls is a direct exhibition of the Darwin theory - only the fittest survive. Only the hardcore shopaholics can get through these 7 steps of the intense struggle for clothes and I certainly have a long way to go before I join that order. Not that I want to, but an obvious role of the grihasthi would be to take his family out for shopping once every Diwali and there will be a time when I just have to give in to the demands of a social convention so unfairly set against shopping haters.

For now, I just picked up something that vaguely looked like a jeans (cos thats the most versatile peace of garment I've seen yet), folded at the bottom so that I dont have to get it altered and all, asked my mom to stand in the queue 15 minutes before I got back with the jeans so I could straightaway bill it when I was done with my selection and ran out of the shop as early as I could. My, my, we certainly learn how to twist our way through the system soon, don't we.

Oh.. and ya, what if Samuel Johnson doesnt list an antonym ? I Rohit Subramanian, hereby declare that anyone who does not like shopping is to be called a shopaphobic.(Haha..Yes. even I read the roots/prefixes/suffixes section in Barron's GRE).

Just remember, its not bad to be a shopaphobic. We are humans too.

B.E. Bunking Engineering

Whenever a new-born kid is doomed to Engineering in the 10th second after his birth by his parent (3 idiots style), he spends the next 18 useless years of his life praying that he somehow makes it to Sri Sivasubramaniya Nadar College of Engineering, more specifically to the Mechanical Engineering Department. This is because this is the only department in the World (all hi tech colls like MIT, Stanford, Harvard included ) where students join college because they dont ever have to attend college thereafter ! Yes, a study conducted by the Researchers in Motion institute, found that an average Mechie in SSN spends more time going out of college than coming inside and attending classes put together. Bunking is no joke. A lot of brains go behind every successful bunking schedule. And this is one science that we have tried to master over the four years of engineering.

In an attempt to document the various findings of regular bunkers over the past few years, I have attempted here to list the various fundamental algorithms that some great minds have developed after scores of bunking experiences. This is intended to help all future generations of bunkers, in SSNCE, and in colleges other parts of the World. 

1 : The NK Algorithm

Developed By : His Highness, Sir N. Kartheik

Principles: 
First Law of NK: Planning is the fundamental pre-requisite to success. 
Second Law of NK: Time>Money.

Pseudo Code:
Step 1: Start
Step 2: Plan the days you will bunk one week in advance
Step 3: On the planned days, tell no one, ask no one, just leave. 
Step 4: Walk to the Bus stop at the entrance, if no alternative means of transport available
Step 5: When at the bus stop, take the first bus that comes in the direction that you want to travel in. Even if it goes only till the next stop. Even if its an AC bus.
Step 6:  Check If You are at Destination.
Step 7: If Yes,Walk Home. 
            If No, Repeat Step 5.
Step 8: End. 

Advantages: This algorithm will take you home in the shortest time.

Disadvantages: This will cost you more than an average trip. 

Applications
If you have exams in the near future and you came to college to collect your hall ticket. 
If you are alone and dont have company anyway. (This is a paradox because no Mechie comes to coll when others dont come. Sigh they dont come to coll even when everyone else comes. What ?? Thats a paradox again. Everyone doesnt come when everyone comes ? Or they dont come ? I dont know.)

2 : The RamG Algorithm

Developed By : Dr. Ram Ganesh, The Great. 

Principle:
Money>Everything Else. 

Pseudo Code:

Step 1: Start
Step 2: Dont bunk
Step 3: If no class is happening, go sit in the Library or the Lab.
Step 4: If they are closing down the entire college and you have no other go, leave.
Step 5: Dont walk to the entrance. Wait for a college bus shuttle to come. 
Step 6: When at the bus stop, wait for the most direct bus. 
Step 7: Get into a bus only when it goes directly to your doorstep. Otherwise Repeat Step 6.
Step 8: End. 

Advantages: Following this method will rarely cost a journey more than 15 rupees. 

Disadvantages: By the time you reach home, it may be time for you to leave again. In other words, this takes an eternity for you to reach your destination.


3. The Viggy Ram Algorithm

Developed by: Vignesh "Soccer" Ramachandran

Principle: 
First Law of Viggy Ram: There are only two reasons to come to college.
1. To play
2. To leave home 
Second Law of Viggy Ram: Friend in need is a friend indeed. Your best friend is the one who is ready to leave with you. 
Third Law of Viggy Ram: Travel Direction is never a criteria to choose a bus.

Pseudo Code:

Step 1: Start
Step 2: Go play football
Step 3: If your gang is tired, play football with someone else
Step 4: When no one wants to play football, go play Table Tennis.
Step 5: When no one is playing anything, prepare to leave. 
Step 6: Scout people to leave along with you.
Step 7: If no one known friend comes along, take a random guy you've never met before instead. He is a new friend. 
Step 8 : When at the bus stop, take the first bus, whichever direction it goes in - EVEN THE WRONG DIRECTION IS FINE.
Step 9 : Whenever the bus stops, take another bus, preferably in the right direction.
Step 10: Hopefully you reach your destination
Step 11: End

Advantages: You get a chance to meet new people, make new friends.

Disadvantages: Your attendance is bound to suffer. As is your pocket money, cos you are spending it on bus journeys more than on food. 

Applications: Have a Girlfriend ? No better way to spend quality time with her. Last rows on MTC Volvo buses are among the most romantic places on Earth. 


4. The Irfaan Algorithm


Developed by: Mohammed Irfaan aka "Jack Fruit"

Principle : There is nothing wrong in asking.

Pseudo Code:

Step 1: Start
Step 2: Get ready to leave home - with or without company
Step 3: When at the bus stop, look for any kind hearted car drivers
Step 4: When you see a car, ask for a lift - even if the person inside the same sir whose class you will be bunking that day. 
Step 5: Travel for free, till wherever he can drop you.
Step 6: Take a bus from there to your destination.
Step 7: End. 

Advantages: Osi la travel comfortably in AC. 

Disadvantages: The Sir may screw your internals. 

Applications: Ideal when the car belongs to a person who does not handle classes for you.


4. The Adarsh Algorithm

Developed by: Adarsh Prashant (who has never been seen before)

Principle: You will have to leave home from college only when you come to college in the First place.

Pseudo Code:

Step 1: Start
Step 2: Dont come to college
Step 3: End

Advantages: No money waste. No time waste.

Disadvantages: NONE

Applications: Spend time on more fruitful endeavours like NFS, DOTA, CS, etc. 


These are the most widely practised methods of "method bunking". As we speak, several other algorithms are under development, and no doubt these shall dominate the scene in the years to come. I sincerely hope that this immensely benefits all future generations of bunkers. 

P. S: If you believe that you have developed a new bunking algorithm, please let me know, so I can add your algorithm in here. You shall also have the honour of naming it after yourself - the hallmark of any great researcher. 

#IamPawar


India is a land of great men – from Chanakya to Chetan Bhagat, from Mahatma Gandhi to Rahul Gandhi, from Raj Kapoor to Ranbir Kapoor and from the Mauryas to Mayawati. Ruffle through the pages of India’s past and you’ll come across so many individuals who have changed the course of history. But I don’t think anyone will come anywhere close to challenging the greatness and respectability of the greatest Man of our times – not even Arindham Chaudary and Kamaal R Khan. I talk of course, of the Leader of the Masses, the Shivaji of the Marathi Manoos, the hero of the middle class, God of the farmers, the destroyer of the Lalit Modis - Sharad Pawar.

Sharad Pawarji is easily the most inspiring person I have ever seen. His tryst with greatness started when he was a young college student. Back then, the extremely cruel and horrific social evil called ragging was widely prevalent in the country. Among other crimes inflicted upon them, students across the country were wary of seniors who took away all the cash that they had with them. It was under those circumstances, that one particular boy hid all the cash that he had inside his underwear and told the seniors he had no cash with him. Seniors were always surprised how this rich looking boy had no money with him, and threatened him with consequences if he didn’t give all the money he had, and he kept repeating those legendary words – “I have only 12 rupees”. They never found out his little dirty secret. The young Sharad Pawar became a hero overnight, and his method widely popular – among students and non-students (politicians, bureaucrats, etc) alike. Those incidents had a permanent impact on him. Forty years later Sharad Pawar still keeps his money safe from thugs and dacoits and from the IT Department by a similar technique. (Of course he has only 12 cr. Not a penny more.)

That Sharad Pawar is a great cricketer needs no mention. No, he’s never played the sport, and I actually doubt if he even knows the rules of the game properly, but he’s done everything else that one can possibly do in the game. He created wealth in the country, more wealth than N.R.Narayanamurthy, Shiv Nadar and Azim Premji put together. Under his Presidency, many people like Lalit Modi became some of the richest men in the country. After ages of indifference, the BCCI finally started to make a lot of money. Who else can you attribute this to but Sharad Pawarji.  


During his BCCI Presidency, he had a dream of making the Indian Cricket Team the best in the World. BCCI was already the richest in the World. So he decided to become the ICC President and ICC obliged (Sharad Pawar never fails) almost instantly. Once the ICC President, achieving his vision became a lot simpler. He made it ICC policy to sack any umpire who declared Indian batsmen out. (Yes, Daryl Harper deserved that didn’t he?) He ensured that India played 5 series while South Africa didn’t get any series at all. He ensured that India played only in India while Australia had to travel around the World, including to India, for every series. Of course he made an error in judgement when he thought that India could go to England and win, probably got carried away under the impression he himself created. Anyway, as long as he is there as the ICC President, we needn’t worry, for it is only a matter of time before India is back to the top. (And trust me it’s only a matter of time before Stuart Broad is banned for Match fixing or for a dope scandal. The fuckers been playing so well against India... How Dare He!!)  
                                                                                                                                           
Now you tell me, how will you feel if one person who is doing so much to help the country’s image feel when some random guy who was unknown until yesterday, comes along and wants to change the way Sports is managed in the country? Obviously Sharad Pawarji is pissed off with that Ajay Maken guy. He has a reason to be so. If that Ajay Maken wants to remove corruption from Sports, then I ask, who can be a bigger proponent for the fight against corruption than Sharad Pawarji? Does anyone even know that Sharad Pawarji was heading the Panel of Ministers on Anti-Corruption before “Team Anna” appeared? That means that he was India’s last anti-corruption crusader before Anna Hazare. In fact, when his right hand man and idealogical son, Lalit Modi had allegations of corruptions against him, Sharad Pawarji immediately removed him from BCCI and drove him out of the country. And yet, Ajay Maken wants to act like he’s some big appatucker fellow by fighting against Sharad Pawarji.



Throughout his life, Sharad Pawarji’s contribution to the country has been immense. So, we Sharad Pawar supporters are planning to file a petition in Supreme Court to give Sharad Pawarji the Bharat Ratna. (as always the GoI does things only when Supreme Court ‘directs’ it to do) One fundamental reason I hate the Shiv Sena and Bal Thackerey is that they always keep asking for Bharat Ratna for Sachin whenever he scores runs (in double digits), but never say that another fellow Maharashtrian – Sharad Pawarji – deserves the Bharat Ratna more than anyone else who has ever received it.

The greatness of Sharad Pawarji is undisputed. In fact even Albert Einstein once remarked “Scarcely can I believe that such a man walked in flesh and blood on this planet”.  It has always been, and always shall be my endeavour to be a Sharad Pawar in whatever I do in future. That is the only way I can become a great man like Sharad Pawarji. Yes, Proud to say. #IamPawar


The Other Revolution...


With no doubt, we are in the midst of a revolution – overstatement, it may seem – but I’ll call it revolution nevertheless. We are finally learning the power of the democracy we so lovingly embraced. We are learning, finally, the power of the methods we used to embrace democracy in the first place. History is one of those subjects that one would rarely learn by application, yet, any student of history who reads Satyagraha today, will have no difficulties understanding what it means – what it means to sacrifice one’s self for the greater good; what it means to win morally when legally, constitutionally, you are down and out.

But significantly, the revolution raises several bigger questions – as it is supposed to. Is this all that democracy is? Does democracy essentially mean taking to the streets when your demands aren’t met? Is satyagraha all about moral uprightness or about blackmailing the establishment into conceding what you want, in the face of support from a public that is convinced in its blind beliefs in what their efforts will result in?

But of course, something is better than nothing. For years now, we have scorned at our own helplessness; our own inability to strike down what we see as injustice; our inertness to a corrupt bureaucracy that has fed itself into a monster over 200 years of colonial and post-colonial rot. The impatience had been growing through all those decades, with us looking for the slightest opportunity to help the cause when some bold man took the initiative – for we are not a nation of leaders, we are a nation of followers – and deal a blow to venomous snake, so it would never raise its ugly head again. Our reaction is a product not of corruption, but of our very own restlessness; our impatience at not being able to ‘make a change’ as they popularly call it.

But there again comes a question. To what ends are we fighting this injustice? What is our purpose? To end corruption? And will one law change it all? The laws are already there, aren’t they? Did we need a super hero who would have unparalleled power to prosecute anyone with dirty spots to bring known defaulters to book? Indeed, did we need powerful legislation to put the Raja’s and the Kalmadi’s and the Kanimozhi’s behind bars? The laws have always been there. And the laws have always been powerful. We haven’t just had the intent – a strong will to remove corruption.

For, alas, we have always failed to understand – Corruption is not a national issue. Its a personal one. The nation is corrupt because we are corrupt. And no amount of satyagraha and no amount of democracy is going to help us root out corruption if the people – the fundamental pillar of democracy – do not root out corruption from within them. Corruption thrives because we refuse to let it die. And a thousand lokpals and superhero’s won’t make a difference as long as the people refuse to make that one small change within themselves.
So while we may all wish that just fasting for a fortnight and leading a very charged up patriotic life, we may be changing the way our children live in this country, we will have to be disappointed - for we are trying to change the image without changing our perception. And no matter how much we try to clean the dirty looking world and make it look normal again, it won’t happen, ‘cos we are the ones wearing dirty glasses in the first place.

Adamantly overlooking that fact, we insist on creating problems for the establishment – an establishment that is already overridden with challenges, challenges of Governance, challenges of satisfying the needs of the needy, challenges of helping the lowest rungs of the society survive; an establishment that looks so unsure of itself that it may cease to be on its own, without much help from those who want to see its end; an establishment that is on the brink of sinking under the weight of its guilt, the weight of its conscience, the weight of its failure in fulfilling a dream that it so foolishly showed us. However, it wouldn’t be inaccurate to say that unless we allowed the people we elected to rule over us without casting doubts over their integrity, they shall never succeed in ruling over us. Removing corruption won’t feed a hungry man, nor will it give a homeless man shelter, nor an unemployed youth a job, nor a criminal any reason to reform.  We shall become clean, but that will not make us prosperous. And successful though we may be in winning the battle of the day, the war of the future of our nation shall be lost.

With no doubt, we are in the midst of a revolution – overstatement, it may seem – but I’ll call it revolution nevertheless. For we are finally realising that while on the outside, we all look to bring down a corrupt establishment, we are all waging a much bigger battle – a battle within ourselves. And until this revolution succeeds as magnificently as the one we see outside us, the fight against corruption would have been a lost cause.

The Shakespeares of Our Times - 2

Suppress and Oppress and Depress. At One Stage they will Strike.

The story goes back to 1928, There was this unassuming Dinosaur-sized Gorilla in a Pacific Island, which an enthusiastic photographer caught on his camera and posted on his Facebook wall. When the picture got over a 100 likes in a matter of few minutes, the man knew this was no ordinary gorilla. He went back to the island to search for the same ape and when even after years of searching he couldn't find it, he decided he would make a film in the memory of that Gorilla.

King Kong, the film, created history. Everyone loved the movie and it became one of the most watched, remade (and spoofed) movies of all times. Last week, I was cleaning my cupboard when I found that original picture which that photographer guy posted on his fb wall. And I was astounded, mystified, stymied and stupified (and the like) at what I saw in front of my eyes

The Original photograph.
A close replica of the original photograph.
By the time this post goes online, children magazines in USA
have already started carrying the two pictures with
a question on top :
"Spot Six differences between the two pictures"


Yes, I know that Western travellers right since the time of that Columbus guy have time and again proved themselves to be a bunch of dung brained, shit headed, directionless gypsies who rarely go to their intended destination, like, for instance, finding themselves in Barbados when they were supposed to come to Delhi. But even by those standards, in colloquial terms, "this is simply too much". I mean from what angle does T.Rajender look like King Kong ?? 

T.Rajender is one of the big literary figures of our generation. And that, I believe, the English-speaking World doesn't know. I mean he is the biggest multi-tasking writer ever since Shakespeare. Much like Shakespeare, TR is a writer/speaker/actor/orator/singer/dancer/mouth-music-maker/several-other-things-which-I-dont-remember-right-now. To call him King Kong is, in S.M.Krishna terms, "preposterous".

T.Rajender has contributed more to English than probably Shakespeare himself. Shakespeare may have done a lot to make communication among humans a lot more easier, but thala T.Rajender's contribution to English and language in general is far more acomplished primarily because he taught us how to talk to non-Humans - to bears, to apes and to other animals. You didnt know ? Take a look.




In the above video, TR tells us something which Shakespeare never found out in his age, nor has anyone else till now. T.Rajender in 1 minute, spontaneously uncovered the mysteries that were plaguing the minds of Linguists and Language experts ever since the birth of language in this World. What is this but pure genius ??

However, T.Rajender's genius is not restricted to extending the boundaries of modern day language. He is also an accomplished musician and has composed for millions of songs in all languages (including trollish, goblin and one special song in parseltongue). Here's one of his more popular songs which another popular contemporary singer suruttified from him.  




Contrary to poopular belief, Shakira didnt compose and sing this song. TR did it - live on television. Shakira became popular just cos she looks sexy. This song is currently under judicial investigation and Shakira has reportedly offered a big package to TR to withdraw all charges. It remains to be seen what happens.




This above video shows Voldemort dancing in the Parseltongue version of the Waka Waka song made by TR. Its called - This time for Azkaban. 

This isn't it. Beyond this, T.Rajender is also an accomplished English orator and is famous for having given famous fiery speeches in the past. Now thats something even Shakespeare doesnt have to his credentials. Take a look at the following videos that will show how great Thala sounds when he speaks.




Yes. The most remarkable words in English's rich heritage - Suppress and Oppress and Depress. At one stage they will strike. 




That's English for you !! Vintage TR ! 
I hope you are finally convinced why T.Rajender is one of the most under rated literary figures of our generation. His body of work is compelling and deserved nothing less than the Bharat Ratna, if not the Nobel Prize. But they want to give the Bharat Ratna to Sachin Tendulkar instead. Isn't that sad? 




Credits to the original video makers. 
Credits to Kiran Radhakrishnan for suggesting the "Shakespeare" :D

The Greatest Character of our Generation, You certainly Know Who!

There is no good or evil. There is only power, and those too weak not to seek it.

Come Friday, the legacy of Harry Potter will end. And along with it will end the years of anticipation that preceded the release of any new film or book in the series. And as we prepare for this final showdown, I cannot help but feel sad and gloomy. Yes, it the end of Lord Voldemort too.

Well, I know I will be doing an infinite amount of injustice to the entire Harry Potter clan by choosing Lord Voldemort as a better character over him, but then anyone who’s read the books would agree that J.K.Rowling always gave Voldemort’s character that extra bit of depth which Harry Potter simply lacked. Accepted, Harry Potter is the hero and all, and that he was the Chosen One, not dear old Voldy, but almost as if by design, these very things worked in favour of Lord Voldemort for me. He rocked and did so unpredictably. You never knew what he would do next. And though he was evil, he was just so awesomely evil.

I am certainly not the only person who feels that Voldemort was the greatest character of the entire Harry Potter series. But I haven’t really thought much about whether he is really the greatest character our generation has seen. But of one thing I am sure. I wouldn’t be able to think of another alternative without having to rack my brains for hours together with a critical mind focussed on making Lord Voldemort sound any lesser than the most evil, the most focussed and brilliant wizard to have studied in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry since Albus Dumbledore himself.

Voldemort’s rise to greatness (in my mind and in his own life) all happened in the course of the Half Blood Prince which I believe is the best book of the series, primarily because it tells us the story of how some half-blood at an orphanage, quite imaginatively called Tom Marvolo Riddle (yeah, ‘I am Lord Voldemort’, one more Ulti thing about him), becomes the most feared wizard of all times. When Ollivander says in The Philosopher’s Stone, “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was great.Terrible yes, but Great!”, he certainly makes a point. After all,  the colloquial his ‘terror’ is such, people don’t like to call him by his name even years after he was at large and prefer calling him “You-Know-Who”.

Rowling is usually accused of deriving too many plots, subplots and characters from the Lord of the Rings (which is quite a different masterpiece altogether), but at least in that respect, I think Lord Voldemort wins over Harry Potter and Co.  Albus Dumbledore was like totally Gandalf (even the actor who played both roles) and Harry Potter was a kind of dull shadow of Frodo. But then Lord Voldemort was certainly a more effective and detestable negative character than that Sauron guy who for me simply wasn’t complete enough, quite literally so – the only part of Sauron we could possibly fear was his eye (there again, not even both eyes, just one).

While talking of the greatness of Lord Voldemort, it would be totally unfair to leave out Ralph Fiennes from the discussion. Across the globe, Harry Potter fans identify the evil that Lord Voldemort represented with the face of Ralph Fiennes, the actor who played the character in the last few parts. And that has been one of the significant achievements of the franchise. His facial make up (the slits for nostrils especially), his voice modulation, his delicate handling of the character and his appearance of pure evil, all were right out of the book. Having said that, the movies have always been too hollow in their portrayal of Lord Voldemort. The only book in which the focus was on Lord Voldemort was Half Blood Prince and quite contrary to the book, the movie was the worst of the lot. The filmmakers handled his part very lightly, almost as if to suggest he was insignificant. And that deservingly failed terribly.

Overall, it comes down to what I said earlier. Whether you like Harry Potter, or like Lord Voldemort, on July 15th, it all ends. Yeah, Rowling keeps speculating it hasn’t ended yet, but still, it’s been too good to last any longer. But certainly, Lord Voldemort will not return this time (unless its a prequel). It’s certainly a painful adieu to the boy who lived and more so, to You-Know-Who.

The Shakespeares of Our Times - 1

(A series on how English has evolved since the birth of the language and the birth of Shakespeare)

It was the 26th of April, 1564. It was a dark evening. Clouds had covered every inch of the summer sky in England. Lightning and thunder had scared the average Englishman to stay in his house. But one man was walking along a small kurukku sandhu in Warwickshire. The man had wrapped himself in big Polar bear furs (back then there was no PETA) and was walking urgently towards a house - the house of the nurse.

He knocked on the door and in exasperated tones told the nurse - "Baboochi Lagothar Malatum Kada".
The shocked nurse immediately dressed up and went running to the man's house. A woman lying there was in labours and shrieking in pain. The nurse was doing everything she could while outside the thunderstorm had just gotten worse. It was as if the heavens were desperately trying to keep the child from coming out alive. The Gods were scared of this soul which was destined to change the World.

A few more agonising moments later, the storm suddenly fizzled out. And the thunder of the thunder in the small room was now replaced with cries of a young new born baby. The parents and the nurse thanked the Gods, the gods who had so desperately tried to prevent this, and there that day in Stratford-upon-Avon was born, William Shakespeare.

William Shakespeare was a very different boy. While everyone spoke in one language, William Shakespeare spoke in a different one. He wrote plays and dramas which no one could understand. People cursed him, hated him for writing so much. They called him nincompoop, a chowderhead, a noodledick, a fanny and a winnit and many other such words he had himself invented. .

In 21st Century, a few 10's of generations later, the consequences of William Shakespeare are still lasting. Students still cant understand what he wrote, still call him names (a little advanced ones now), and whats worse they all seem to think his name is "Shakesphere" and cannot fathom even in their wildest thoughts why someone would call a small plump boy a speare instead of a sphere. Its quite a different thing altogether that they find his entire name dull, difficult to pronounce and hence highly unimaginative. Lets face it, you wouldn't wake up one fine day to name your dog, cat or even your son Shakespeare. Why no sense of fashionability ?? The name is not even listed in the latest version of 1000 names for Baby Christian boys.

Anyway, thats his problem not ours. Point is, Shakespeare was the beginning of what can be called the End of Language. He was the one who first proved to us that if you dont know your language, you could also create your own words and meanings and still become a Legend. He created some 40000 new words, redefined what grammar was and set new standards. Now that's what I call setting a bad precedent. Don't get the point ? I'll explain.

Take for instance, the most respected modern English literary figure from Tamil Nadu - Jeppiar. Jeppiar is time and again slammed by purists for what they call is "English at its worst". But then the inspiringly determined Jeppiar says "That my the own way of the talking Englees" which roughly translates to "It is my own way of speaking in English". Understandable. Analysing the structure of his sentences, his is closer to Samuel Johnson and to William Shakespeare than to modern day English writers and authorities.

A splendid case in study of Jeppiar's deviation from modern English usage will be evident from the following speech. Take a look.




Eg 1 : "Our University to educate for the student, not only syllabus first of all human value education"
Deviation: Verb missing. Full stop missing somewhere there.

Eg 2: "Sellabus only degree, but human value education there is no degree"
Deviation: Grave Pronounciation error. Verb missing in leading phrase. Improper combination of phrases.

Eg 3: "Future life is very peaceful life"
Deviation: Improper use of tenses

Eg 4: "Thats why in our University to introduce all student first of all smart and neat"
Deviation: Er... Improper everything.

Eg 5: "Almost all students, brotherhood important. Sister"
Deviation: Verb missing. Noun independently cannot form a sentence. Misuse of Almost.

Eg 6: "Among the brother of the sister, family life important"
Deviation: Verb Missing. Doesn't convey any sense.


Eg 7: "So that is called in Sathyabhama is the education temple but come to the university we take care the same manner of the father mother what is your father mother what today the same education in Sathyabhama"
Deviation: No English detected.


So, while the rest of the World may accuse Jeppiar of polluting the great language of English, he maintains that the new syntax characterised by total irreverence to the roles traditionally assumed by verbs, adjectives and nouns, will be the future of this language. So, dont be surprised if your grandsons grandson talks Jeppiarish English when you are watching him from heaven or hell or from a time machine or whatever. That'll be their language.

But then Jeppiar is not the only maverick who wishes to do things his own way. There are others who by virtue of their splendid communication skills redefine English everyday.
(To Be Continued...) 

Making Entrepreneurship work in India

I had the opportunity to watch two peripherally relevant talks/discussions yesterday that fuelled  in my mind a few thoughts and opinions about how Entrepreneurship is going to help the Indian economy. The first of course was the Techsparks 2011, Chennai round. The second was Barack Obama's weekly address to the American people.

Techsparks is a platform for Start up's to showcase their company, network with other such start ups, impress investors and end up getting some seed for their companies. It works like any other event of its kind. It has 5 different rounds in different regions and it was the Chennai round yesterday. There were around 25-30 Start up's who were attending the function and there was a panel discussion by people who have 'been there done that' before. There was also a Venture Capitalist in the panel which made it a very ensemble panel comprising of a VC, two experienced entrepreneurs, and two big companies which support ventures (IBM and National Instruments).It formed a complete ecosystem. As the event went on, we had a person from Intel Software talking to us,  the founder of Bharat Matrimony addressing us, and the founder of Classle telling us his story.

A majority of the panelists, and the guests had their ventures surrounding the Information Technology Sector. I also had a shrewd belief that the majority of the entrepreneurs sitting around me were from the same IT sector. Its only understandable, that as a Mechanical Engineer, I had only so much to take out of their knowledge sharing. On the rare occasion when they used the word "Industrial Start up" or "Tech Start up", I sat up with my ears eagerly open for something relevant to the Industry I know of, but they started talking about building platforms and enabling cloud computing and improving security and data back up services and setting up servers. I was doomed to blink all the while at their faces.

I couldn't help but realise that India is obsessed with Information Technology. Remember, I'm no IT critic. In fact, it is essential that India plays to its strength's and one of India's few strengths today is its strong IT/ITES sector. A lot of our problems in our services and commerce sectors can be solved extensively through IT. Economically, the IT sector has a vast growth potential. But there is only so far that IT can get in building our economy. Ironical ? I'll explain.

The Information Technology Sector in India is huuge. More than 70% of Indian entrepreneurs start up in some IT related venture. Half our engineers are employed in the IT industry. But the contribution of the IT sector is a mere 5.2% of the Indian economy. The few big IT corporations have ruled the roost and the majority of other start ups have never made it big, though they continue to be profitable for their founders.

Nearly 50% of the Indian GDP comes from the core Manufacturing Industries and the Agricultural sector. And somehow, in all the hype surrounding India's good entrepreneurship record, these sectors have taken a hit. India is a country where the food security of the billion odd people is critical (Its a different matter that everyone doesn't get food in our country). Under such circumstances, it is a very sad fact that the agricultural output of our nation is gradually decreasing. Common sense suggests that increasing population and decreasing food production do not get along well with each other.

Manufacturing Industries present the other sorry picture. True, Manufacturing in India never really took off. The Industrial Revolution happened in the 16th century in Europe. 400  years later, we still are waiting for an Industrial Revolution in India. The few big Industries set up by first generation Industrialists of the 20th Century continue to be some of the few ones in the country. We use machines and machine tools made by other countries, to manufacture goods on license from other nations to sell the goods to our people. Now how uncool is that ?

This brings me to Barack Obama's weekly address to the American people. In his speech he underlines the importance of "being the nation which makes things", of being a nation that has advanced manufacturing facilities which it can sell to other nations and grow their economy. Now these are words coming from the most technologically advanced nation in the World, the largest Economy of the World, and from the country home to the largest number of Industries in the World. Now if this is the priority of the World's largest GDP contributor, we are after all India and far behind them. We should be working doubly hard to ensure that our countrymen work towards building a strong Industrial base in the country.

The Information Technology Sector has only one way - the Way Up. With a bright generation of IT engineers, this sector is bound to become India's pet. Having said that, this cannot and must not happen at the expense of Agriculture and Industry. There must be far greater support to entrepreneurs across all sectors, but more specifically to Industrial and Agriculture sectors. That is the only way that our economy can grow and also improve our standards of living. In effect, it is the only way our nation can prosper.


Link: The Weekly Address by Barack Obama.


(Ignore the Comments. Obama, much like our own government, is suffering from a wave of mistrust and unpopularity)

The Creator of Existence

When was Existence born
When did Being begin
When was Life's song sung
And who did Sing


Was there air Was there water
Were there the skies 
Before all existed
What of did the Universe comprise


What was before nothingness
A Universe of anything Devoid
Who pulled the first thing
That came out of Void



Where was thought
Was there a mind
That looked for the Questions
And the Answers did it find


Who was the conjurer
What was his essence
Who possessed the Sacred Wisdom
Of the Creation of Existence


There is One Being
Up Above the Heavens
The One who Created
The Gods and the Demons


He knows the answer
The Light through Life's Mist
For He is our creator
But man, Does He Exist ?

- Inspired from Nasadiya Sooktam


Stephen Hawkings said early this year, 'Heaven is a fairytale.' Rig Veda said that in 1000 BC, 3000 years ago.

The Nasadiya Sooktam is a Vedic Hymn from the Rig Veda that aims to answer the questions surrounding creation. It is the Vedic equivalent of the Big Bang Theory (Not the sitcom series, the actual one :D) proposed before 1000 BC.

The beauty of the hymn, and of the ancient Hindu scripts, the Vedas, is that, it accepts that there may never have been a beginning, and there may never be an end. The hymn is also significant because it admits that it is impossible to go to the roots of creation. It believes that Heaven may exist, but maybe does not. God may exist, but maybe does not. This, people, is the actual essence of Hinduism. (Not the Ayodhya Ram Temple)

Reference:
http://www.astrojyoti.com/nasadiyasuktam.htm The link to the best written translation of the Nasadiya Sooktam I could find.

The Wikipedia collection of articles on Hindu Creation Theories is also an interesting read to anyone who is interested.

The Laws of Bangalore Buses

For the past few days I have been patronising the Bengaluru Metropolitan Transport Corporation (BMTC) for my daily travelling in Bangalore. During one of those looong journeys in the rather unhospitable Bangalore Traffic, my eyes were straining themselves to catch a glimpse of those elusive 'semma figures' that Bangalore bound acquaintances always keep speaking of, when suddenly, a bag of apples flew from nowhere and fell on my head. I had my Newton-moment then and my mind was almost instantly filled with the great questions revolving around the dynamics of the Bangalore Bus journeys. When does a bus actually arrive ? Which buses have all the good figures? Which is the best bus ? and the like.

Having spent several sleepless nights analysing all the experiences and experiments I had with Bangalore Buses, I was finally able to logically arrive at a series of postulates that govern the Mechanics, kinetics, kinematics, dynamics, etc of Bangalore Bus Travel. Presenting, the Laws of Bangalore Buses !


First Law: 


There is always an extended time lag between the time a bus user reaches a bus stop and the time that the desired bus arrives at the bus stop.


(or)


When Bus is early, you are late and When Bus is late, you are early.




It is never possible to reach a bus stop just in time for a bus. The first law of Bangalore Bus Travel states that you will always have to wait at the bus stop - whether you are early or even if you are late.

This is because Bangalore buses have no timing. They can come at any time, except when you just reached the bus stop. The rare bus which arrives near the bus stop, deliberately doesn't stop at the bus stop, just so you cant get into it.

We have also researched on the methods to tackle the effect of the First Law of Bus Travel. To ensure that you get a bus as soon as you reach the bus stop, what you can possibly do is stand near the bus stop, rather than at the bus stop. Stand anywhere closeby, some tea shop, some pan shop, but surely not at the bus stop itself. To increase the chances, you could also try to act as if you aren't really looking at the buses coming, but keep peeping through the corner of your eye. This way, you will be saved from the boring experience of having to wait for the bus.

Alternatively, go to the bus stop and ask someone for the bus route to a location different from where you want to go. And then act as if you actually want to go to that place. You will see a bus coming really fast. TADA ! Thats the bus to the place you actually wanted to go to.

Corollary: From the above observed facts, a corollary of the above law is :

The only bus which is always late, is the one you want to travel urgently in. The only bus which is always early is the one you desperately hope you don't miss.




Second Law:


The outflow of liquidity is a direct product of two factors - an impending scarcity of funds and the close proximity of the destination. 


(or)


An AC bus always arrives just when you don't have enough cash to travel in it or when you have to get down at the closest bus stop.




This Law is a direct application of the universal law of "Shit Happens". Yes, just when you dont have enough cash for lunch and have to get somewhere for lunch, an ordinary bus will never come your way. You will only have an AC bus to take you there. On a different occasion, if you want to go to the immediately next stop, but the distance is too far to walk on foot, you will never get a normal bus. The bus is always a costly Volvo bus.

The simple and only way to tackle the second law is by carrying a sufficient amount of cash in hand. This will directly increase liquidity causing more non-AC buses to come by.


Third Law:


The aesthetic appeal of eves of the Homo Sapien species is a quantity directly proportional to the aesthetic appeal of the civilian mode of transport they frequent in. 


(or)


Quality of figure is proportional to quality of bus.





This is simplest of the three laws of Bangalore buses. You cannot expect to come across a semma figure in a sappa bus. So if you are a guy, actually going around Bangalore for all the obvious reasons, it would be advisable to travel in the better looking buses 'cos thats where the prospects of 'sighting' are better off.

Having said that, the converse of this law is not true. Quality of buses is not always directly proportional to quality of figures as sappa figures may travel in semma buses. So beware of this rider! (Rider, as in, a puzzle, a trap. Not what you think. Shit! Dirty minds)

There are a few empirical ways to ensure that you take a bus with the maximum probability of a figure:

  • Avoid buses that look old. 
  • Avoid buses that have high footboards (Modern buses have a low footboard. Figures use those buses only)
  • Avoid buses which have a black exhaust (Yes, pollution conscious semma figures travel only in "Bharat Stage I" certified vehicles)
  • Travel preferably in Tata or Volvo buses and avoid Ashok Leyland. 
  • It would be an added favourable factor if the bus had some fancy colour like green or red. (Sadly, there aren't violet and pink coloured buses yet)


If you still aren't sure which bus you must take, wait at the bus stop for sometime and try looking for a figure.Fix your eyes on the figure and observe which bus she takes. Taking the same bus is a good call. (This method is useless if you want to get somewhere else from where the bus is going)


THE IDEAL BUS JOURNEY:


Based on these above laws, we can define the ideal bus journey as follows:


The Ideal bus journey is defined as one, where you reach a bus stop and a pink coloured hi-tech looking, zero pollution Marco Polo bus stops immediately in front of your eyes, and you get inside and when you ask how much it costs, a girl from behind you tells you that its free upto the next stop and when you turn back to look at her, she turns out to be Deepika Padukone.  


P.S: Ideal conditions are impossible to achieve.

P.P.S : To all feminists, the third law was not my idea.

Contributing Credits: Third Law - F.Mohammed Irfaan

Glossary: 

Semma figure - girls worth seeing
Sappa figure - girls not worth seeing

Agnostic Devotion

"Oh Ganesha. Why so much trouble for me? I've been coming here for two weeks now and these people don't seem to be in any hurry at all!"

"Ah! So you finally asked. I was waiting for you to!"

"Waiting? Why?"

"Others are usually quicker in coming to me. Your own mother and sister would serve as ideal examples."

"Well, they trust you are more powerful than the man behind that table who will sign the paper finally! I don't."

"Well, why don't you Rohit?"

"Cos I know you wont be signing the paper for me. You wont be giving me the Police Clearance Certificate.It will be him who does that. I am practical, others at my house are not."

"Ask your mom or sister, they'll tell you I can do everything."

"Yes, they tell me even when I dont ask."

"So then what keeps you from listening?"

"Have you ever helped things work out for me?"

"Have you ever tried seeking my help?"

"Well... you talk too much. Fine then, I do. Get this done for me today!"

"Ah.. You and your Agnostic Devotion!! This is not the way you must deal with things..."

"So what? You wont do it now?"

"I will! But..."

"But what?"

"But for a price."

"Whats the price?"

"Pathinoru Thenga"

"Eleven coconuts ?!?! Wtf ?! Even if its 15 for one, its 165 totally."

"Oh so you can do maths can you ?"

"I can. And I also know that if I pay 100 rupees to that man behind the table there, he can get it done for me. He is cheaper than you are and he can also get it done for me. Guarantee."

"You think he can do it better than me?"

"Yes I do. And moreover, his existence is not disputed."

"Well, he can only do what is his job. That clearance you need needs some 10 different people to do things. Not all are in his hands."

"He must have his methods to do stuff. He is doing this day-in day-out."

"Well even after all these people, the Commissioner needs to approve your clearance. This man cannot affect the Commissioner, can he?"

"Maybe not, but the commissioner wont delay stuff."

"What if the Commissioner suddenly has more important work to tend to? What if the Commissioner has visitors all day?"

"Well thats unlikely."

"Unlikely? Oh fine then, you bribe that man and get your job done."

*****
(2 days later)

"Sir, My Police Clearance Certificate?"

"Yes pa, I finished everything necessary and left it in the Commissioner's office the same day. But then it hasn't been processed since then."

"Why sir ? Two days, shouldn't it have been signed by now?"

"Well, The commissioner's been having an unusually large number of visitors."


"Er... You cant do anything about it, Sir?"

"No pa, I cant. That is certainly not in my hands. When did you say you need this certificate by?"

"Today, Sir."

"Well then pray to Lord Ganesha. Only he can help you."

"Lord Ganesha?!"

'Ha...ha...haa!!"

Frankly Speaking With Arnab : Ranbir Kapoor




Arnab Goswami : Good evening to our viewers. Today we have with us, In this exclusive interview brought out by your news channel and your news reporter and your newsreader on your tv in your house through one of the best satellite networks in this country, Times Now, a person who has in the past few weeks gone from being a widely adored youth icon to a condemned useless stand up comedian who is believed to have caused a huge fall in the IPL TRP's, Ranbir Kapoor. 

Ranbir Kapoor : (rehearsing notes) Thank you Mr.Goswami. Its my pleasure to be...........

Arnab Goswami : (interrupting) Mr.Ranbir Kapoor, please do tell our viewers how you feel when people don't laugh at your jokes.

Ranbir Kapoor: It feels sick. Its been a childhood disorder for me. 


Arnab Goswami : Does that mean you have never been able to tell good jokes ?

Ranbir Kapoor : Yeah. I haven't been able to. People never laugh at my jokes. Even if I do comedy films. I visited all great comedians - Amar Singh, included -  to teach me how to do comedy. But it didn't have any impact on me.

Arnab Goswami: Mr. Kapoor, (in a low voice full of earnest sincerity) tell me frankly now (dropping the voice even lower for an added dramatic effect), why did Deepika Padukone leave you ? Was it because of this very same tendency that you have told us about now ? Did she leave you because of your awful sense of humour ?

Ranbir Kapoor: Er... Dunno...

Arnab Goswami: Tonight on this show, Mr.Ranbir Kapoor, would you like to confess that Deepika left you for Siddarth Mallya because Sid could make her laugh once in a while?

Ranbir Kapoor: No.

Arnab Goswami: Now that you have confessed about what went wrong......

Ranbir Kapoor : Er... I said no !

Arnab Goswami:  Please do not interrupt me Mr,Kapoor ! As I was saying, Now that you have confessed about what went wrong, what would you like to tell Deepika if she is watching us on "Frankly Speaking with Arnab" on your channel, Times Now, in this exclusive interview ?



Ranbir Kapoor: You left me and so.... I removed you from my Docomo family plan. Saavu Po!

Arnab Goswami: Now that is indeed threatening Mr.Kapoor. Which brings us to the next segment of this interview. Your Docomo ads have caused death of thousands of frogs across the country. How do you feel about it sir ? 

Ranbir Kapoor: I have nothing against frogs. In fact I was myself a frog before I became human!


Arnab Goswami: Mr.Kapoor, (dropping voice low again), you are telling me that you are a frog at one point in your life ? How did you become human then ?


Ranbir Kapoor: Haven't you ever heard of that frog who became the prince after kissing the princess ? That story was based on my life. Almost a biography. Its a famous fairy tale dude. Go read some books. 

Arnab Goswami : Mr.Kapoor, what would you like to tell, when people call you a mass murdering maniac and compare you to Hitler ? 

Ranbir Kapoor : Hitler is not a mass murdering maniac. Neither am I. She is a hotel heiress, a rich girl who often gets drunk and laid, but the similarity ends there. 

Arnab Goswami : Sigh. Thats Paris 'Hilton', Mr.Kapoor, not Hitler. I'm referring to Hitler, Adolf Hitler.

Ranbir Kapoor: (laughing) Dude, Hitler and Hilton sound so similar. (seriously) Anyway, who the fuck is that Hitler guy ?

Arnab Goswami: (Astounded, but quickly recovering) Mr.Kapoor, the BCCI has in a recent statement blamed you for the fall in IPL TRP's. What is your take on that ?

Ranbir Kapoor: Seriously ? That bunch of crap eating, cash swallowing, over weight, under worked, mud wallowing hippopotamuses said that ??? Screw them. That drunkard bastard Vijay Mallya must've paid them to say that. Just to get me further away from their latest family investment, Deepika. They are deliberately........


Arnab Goswami: (interrupting) Sir, you just created a new record for the longest ever reply to Arnab Goswami, the exclusive newsreading interviewer, so I'm afraid I have had to cut you across.Now according to you, the Mallya's are conspiring against you. First they took away Deepika, now the BCCI is blaming you for the IPL failure this time. Why do you think they are doing this ??

Ranbir Kapoor: No Idea....

Arnab Goswami: Oh My God, Ranbir !! What have you done !! 


(From nowhere, a voice suddenly breaks) GET IDEA 3G ....... !!! (and from the heavens, drops Abhishek Bachchan) 





Ranbir Kapoor: Oh fuck !!! Who Let the Dogs out ?!?!

Abhishek Bachchan: .........       1.....       2......        3......















Ranbir Kapoor: 3 Abhishek Bachchans ?? Doomsday is here !!!

Arnab Goswami : (in exasperated tones) Due to certain environmental difficulties, your channel has been forced to prematurely conclude this totally exclusive edition of "Frankly Speaking with Arnab" with Ranbir Kapoor on Times Now tonight at 8 pm. To watch the full interview, tune in to Times Now later. For continuous and live and exclusive and comprehensive and accurate and "we-brought-it-first-to-you" coverage of the day's top stories, continue watching Times Now.  Till then, its Goodbye and Good Night from us !! 

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